Directed by Jay Roach. Starring Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Stephanie Szostak, and Lucy Punch.

Let’s face it, you already know if you’re going to like Dinner for Schmucks. Can’t get enough of Steve Carell’s painfully uncomfortable awkwardness or Paul Rudd’s seemingly effortless charm? Then this is the movie for you. Dinner for Schmucks suffers from a terribly slow first Act littered with too much expository dialogue, but with the introduction of Steve Carell’s Barry, the movie picks up some serious speed and becomes all that it promises to be: funny.

Dinner for Schmucks is inspired by Francis Veber’s French-language comedy The Dinner Game that follows Tim (Paul Rudd) an average guy on the come-up for a company he works for who finds himself invited to a dinner by the heads of the firm after impressing them in a board meeting. This isn’t any normal dinner, however, but rather a twisted comedy show where all the corporate execs invite “people with extraordinary talent”, a.k.a idiots, over and then make fun of them for their amusement. Going to this dinner and impressing the bosses could mean big time promotion for Tim, but Tim’s girlfriend (the talented Stephanie Szostak) won’t have anything to do with it.

In a dilemma, Tim can’t decide if he should take the noble path and stay on good terms with his girlfriend, or make fun of a couple of idiots and score a sweet paycheck. Fortunately for Tim, this dilemma doesn’t last long as he, literally, runs into Barry (Steve Carell). Barry is the epitome of awkward, someone with “extraordinary talent”. He is the embodiment of uncomfortable and to make matters even stranger, he happens to dabble in taxidermy; making lovely mouse dioramas he calls “mousterpieces” out of dead mice. As you can see, Tim’s choice has been made for him by some sort of higher power…or so he thinks, for Barry quickly reveals his true form, a loose destructive force that rages on and cripples Tim’s entire life to its knees through its bewildering incompetence.

As I mentioned earlier, this movie has a terribly slow first Act but picks up the pace and delivers some great comic moments as it rolls on. The writing certainly isn’t top-notch with a handful of jokes that fall flat, but what really makes this movie is the all-star cast. Steve Carell pulls out all his tricks for making the most uncomfortable human being ever in his creation of Barry, an almost otherworldly being whose interactions with other people come across as absolutely pathetic. You can’t help but feel sorry for the poor schmuck, right after you’re done laughing at him that is.

Paul Rudd plays the straight man in this and does so with his usual charm, and while he doesn’t have much to do other than fuel the comedy fire, he does an excellent job all the same. His ex-girlfriend, Darla is an absolute psychotic, driven by her obsession with Tim and bent on getting back together with him, or ruining his life. She is played eerily perfect by Lucy Punch and contributes to some of the most painfully awkward “comic misunderstandings” in the movie, and despite her creepy appearance was hilarious to watch.

Barry and Goat Boy sharing a heart to heart.

The two standouts in this, though, for me were Zach Galifianakis and Jemaine Clement. Zach plays Barry’s IRS rival, Therman, a man obsessed with mind-control and ruining Barry’s life. He has some of the funniest moments with Carell including his domination of Barry’s mind by simply telling him to do something, and one of the most amazing imaginary wizard battles that I’ve seen in a long time. Jemaine plays Kieran a totally insane photo artist with an apparently “untamable animal attraction”. Jemaine is the master of dead-pan as any of you Flight of the Conchords fans know, and he goes all out in his performance here saying lines like, “Have you ever had your arm in a Zebra’s vagina before Tim? You should try it, it’s magical” with such conviction, that you can’t help but think he actually believes it. He transforms such an absurd character into a believable one, making everything he says even funnier.

Dinner for Schmucks has its weak moments in some of the writing and the strange voice over epilogue at the end (which probably should’ve been left out) but the faults are over-shadowed by the jokes that land and the amazing cast that delivers them, making this a fun comedy that you’re sure to enjoy.

Review by William Bixby

Written and directed by Chris Nolan

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Marion Cotillard, and Michael Caine

“There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” So says David H. Everett and Inception agrees to the fullest, by constructing a world where dream and reality collide to the point where it becomes nearly impossible to distinguish the two.

Inception, at its very basic level, is a heist film, except instead of robbing a bank or jewelry store the characters break into a subject’s subconscious via dreams and their big pay-off is information. Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) are specialists in “extraction”, breaking into someone’s mind and taking whatever information they’re hiding. However this can only be accomplished when the subject and extractors are sedated and hooked up to a “sleep machine” of sorts (similar to “jacking into” the Matrix) allowing for multiple layers of dreams to be created (dreaming within a dream).

Cobb and Arthur are eventually hired to do the opposite of extraction: “inception”, which is planting an idea deeply enough into the subconscious of a target, so that they wake up thinking the idea was theirs, allowing you to plant any idea (sinister or benign) without a trace. They plan on doing this by creating a triple layered dream (dreaming within a dream within a dream, get it?) and so they set out to recruit a team and plan their attack for this widely considered impossible feat.

It gets even crazier than this

Chris Nolan has apparently been working on this script for the past ten years, and it’s obvious.The film knows all of its rules and lays them out clearly within the first hour, but as is the case with any movie that takes such pains to set everything up, there’s gotta be some sort of monkey wrench thrown into the machine to complicate matters. Inception makes damn sure of that by throwing in triple-layer dreams where time and gravity exist at different levels and you can fight off security guards in a constantly rotating hotel hallway (which was the coolest scene in the entire movie) and plots twists and revelations that are so simple yet when discovered they’re exhilarating. What makes this film so stunning is the way Nolan weaves all the complex layers of the plot into a seamless narrative that’s simple to follow. He doesn’t hold your hand and walk you through it, but simply lays out the information and trusts that you’ll know what to do.

In addition to the spot-on storytelling, the film looks spectacular. The CGI isn’t too over powering, which is impressive considering the amount of crazy cities-folding-on-top-of-each-other action that looks like it was ripped straight out of a bad acid trip. Nolan actually opted out of using CGI for any scenes that he could, for instance the hotel sequence which I briefly mentioned above was shot on a set that simply rotated along its axis. Using more traditional techniques in place of CGI adds believability to what is happening on-screen, making the visuals all the more impressive.

Of course all the sharp visuals don’t mean a thing if the cast doesn’t deliver, and luckily for us every actor on board slips straight into their characters adding a level of believability and emotional connection to this reality-bending drama. Leo plays a man who is packing some serious skeletons in his closet. The mental exhaustion he has starts to manifest itself physically as the movie carries on and he gives off an impression of a man who is barely able to keep his world together brilliantly.

Ellen Page plays Ariadne “the architect” who is in charge of constructing the dream world of the subject in the form of a giant labyrinth. She does a fine job playing a curious college student drawn into such a dangerous task and her relationship with Leo (as she becomes the only one to discover the reason why he is so tortured) is great. Marion Cotillard gives off an eerie performance of Cobb’s wife that fits so well later in the movie as further revelations of her character are made and the rest of the cast are all outstanding in their supporting roles. I particularly enjoyed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s portrayal of Cobb’s suave partner, Arthur, as he delivers the perfect amount of humor and bad-assery.

From excellent storytelling and breath-taking visuals to a first-rate cast, Inception has all the ingredients of a great film and pulls them together to make an outstanding. You’ll enjoy every minute of this film and I guarantee that after the credits roll you’ll want to see it again.

This is basically what I do everyday: internal monologues that come out into the world and should really just be stuffed back into my brain and never let out again–youshouldplaypsychonauts. This new-ish segment that I–MissyAnya–have is just me being me and talking about weird crap. Some stuff will be girly and some stuff will be so dude-like you’d swear I was Ky-wait…Wi-…. ….there’s no dudes like that on The Shpitz…so, I’ll just be really dude-like. It’s not exactly on point all the time, but who cares: it’s a blog.

I just got my wisdom teeth taken out three hours ago. I’m up, there’s not a whole lot of pain…I’m just kinda tired. This is kind of a nice way to recover. Let me just walk you through my entire process because I have nothing better to do and I don’t feel like sleepin’ yet.

Now, nothing in this is gross or anything, it’s just me ranting about how this even happened. This is gonna be fun ’cause it’s kind of a 3 year process. Let’s begin.

When I was still in Warsaw, I started to get massive headaches. I tension headaches a lot from stress, but I figured out that these were from wisdom teeth pretty quickly. My mouth would pulse at night, which was kind of weird. I told my parents that they were growing in and that I could feel one coming through my gums. So yea, they said, “We’ll get it when we get to the States” ’cause they didn’t trust dental surgery there. Sooooo we get to Phoenix and I have an appointment (on my birthday) about my wisdom teeth and they tell me that they should have been taken out over a year ago. Woops!! So they told me that two of them were impacted (Growing sideways toward my teeth) and the other two were growing outwards (away from my teeth). Two of the were super infected. Ooops again!!

I went in today and it was the day of surgery!! Woot woot! I was getting general anesthetic, which I wasn’t happy about, but whatever. I went it, they asked me how much I weigh, sat me down, poked a needle in my arm and the surgeon came in and said, “We’re gonna give you something to relax, but it won’t knock you out.” By that point, I was already getting sleepy (it had only been 10 seconds of it in my arm). I must have fallen asleep before it ever even hit me that strongly. That’s kind of the last I remember. I woke up and they’re like, “How are you? You doin’ alright?” I had a crap load of gauze in my mouth so I couldn’t really talk, I just put my thumbs up and told them I was alright with the hand motions, hah. I don’t really remember anything else besides getting in the car and falling asleep, again, and getting home and not being able to balance very well as I went up the stairs, then just crashed out on my bed and slept. Now I’m up!! Going to Wal Mart soon. Woot woot.

Now, my wisdom teeth…I kinda miss them. I wanted to keep them and they said ‘no’. How sad is that?! That’s like…4 dollars from the Tooth Fairy!

By the way, I prefer to think of the Tooth Fairy more through the movie of “Darkness Falls” than the Disney movie “Tooth Fairy”. You should watch Darkness Falls someday…creeepy movie…….

Anyway!!! For the time being, I am using the “Victoria” voice on my computer and typing everything so that it is spoken by my dear friend Victoria. Loria. Gloria.
I met a nice Korean girl recently named Gloria. She’s pretty cool.

Yea, Imma get some meds, probably just ibupro-fun. =]. See what I did?

Love to the Shpitz for the stupidity of this post.

Bye.

This is basically what I do everyday: internal monologues that come out into the world and should really just be stuffed back into my brain and never let out again–youshouldplaypsychonauts. This new-ish segment that I–MissyAnya–have is just me being me and talking about weird crap. Some stuff will be girly and some stuff will be so dude-like you’d swear I was Ky-wait…Wi-…. ….there’s no dudes like that on The Shpitz…so, I’ll just be really dude-like. It’s not exactly on point all the time, but who cares: it’s a blog.

Alrighty, I got really into the fact that the nominations were posted. For some reason, I was super excited for them…..possibly because of Dexter, Glee, House, Modern Family and The Big Bang Theory…everything else can kinda go suck it.

Now here’s for some fun. I shall now analyze all of Dexter and then Glee and then House and so on, JUST FOR FUN!! So here it goes:

Dexter.

Don't look at Rita. Whatever you do, don't look at Rita.

So this is pretty much the most amazing show to be on television in a long time. It’s controversial and yet has so much humanity, it’s ridiculous. Michael C Hall plays Dexter, who happens to be such a confused person, but knows exactly what he wants to do, which is pretty much like everyone in this world today. Only thing is: he’s a serial killer. He’s a nice serial killer, though….just so you know (’cause that makes it okay). In all, every person on this show is simply brilliant. Their ‘villains’ that they have each season keep the show fresh and exciting. Especially when John Lithgow (of 3rd Rock from the Sun) was the guest. He plays the most amazing villain.

Anyway! On to the nominations!!
Outstanding Drama
Outstanding Actor in a Drama (Michael C Hall)
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series (John Lithgow)

This means my entire life is complete. MOVING ON!

Glee.

The cool people are in blue

This is kind of every girl’s dream who enjoys music or singing in general. It spread fast over TV. It’s better than sliced bread (maybe…I do like my carbs). The use of the loser sign to make the L in Glee is super idiotic, but, hey, if it gets someone’s attention, it works. Here’s the thing: It’s my guilty pleasure. I would ordinarily claim to not enjoy it, but I can’t stay away from it! My family watches it together, typically. I am very much a music person. I analyze every cover they do. So is my daddio, so we tend to analyze the crap out of every song, but! It’s still exciting, even though they don’t do well every time. What do people love about it? I’m guessing it’s the characters? The best people are Jane Lynch and Chris Colfer. The cheerleading coach and arch nemesis of Glee and the gay kid in dancing and singing.

Here we go:
Outstanding Comedy
Outstanding Actress in a Comedy (Lea Michele)
Outstanding Actor in a Comedy (Matthew Morrison)
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy (Chris Colfer)
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy (Jane Lynch)
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series (Neil Patrick Harris, Mike O’Malley)
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series (Kristin Chenoweth)

Pretty much won one (hah…one, won, 1, wuhn) nomination in each category.

House.

Hah, get it? The finger?

I am guilty of falling in love with House, more so, falling in love just anything that has to do with House. I especially liked how he dealt with patients, which is what everyone loves. For a long time, I wanted to be a doctor in the military (let’s just say that senioritis gave me some jitters and I quit). I’m pretty sure everyone has seen this show. Now let me just humor myself here for a bit. I just read through some of my old diaries (yea…gay, I know) and I remember now that I watched a commercial for House and fell in love. Then I watched the first episode (the pilot) when it aired. I was so excited I didn’t miss a single episode for the first two seasons. Then I moved and had no cable. Yea. That happens a lot. Anyway, I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m just gonna rant about it for a bit just for fun, ’cause I love this show. The season finale most recently was the best episode everrrr. It’s such a great show and, again, I’m quite sure everyone has seen at least one episode. If you haven’t, I shall kill you. The dialogue is witty and yes, it was inspired by Sherlock Holmes (I’m sorry, but I think Dupin > Holmes), they live at the same address and have the same addictions and such. To be honest, it’s entirely creative without being original. It’s awesome!!

Yeay, nomination! (Singular)
Outstanding Actor in a Drama (Hugh Laurie)

Modern Family

Does this look like your family? Join the club.

Don’t believe anyone who says this is a dysfunctional family. It’s not. It’s a normal family and a show that actually presents the ugly side of family with all the right lessons and all the right interactions. If you would like a show about dysfunctionality: watch Titus or any of his stand-up. This is not a dysfunctional family, it is a regular family. Anyway!! It’s an awesome show that has so many different personalities and it’s absolutely hilarious. The humor is too subtle for some people, but if you have a dry sense of humor and enjoy laughing at other people’s misfortune, this is the show for you. They just finished their first season and it’s entirely in it for the long run. Super hilarious. You can relate the situations to your family if you like, it makes it all the more entertaining.
Each actor does a supreme job, all the way down to Lilli (the baby girl the gay couple adopted). It takes a little while to grow on you, I’ve heard, but after episode 4, you’ll definitely be hooked.

The nominations are:
Outstanding Comedy
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy (Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Eric Stonestreet, Ty Burrell)
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy (Julie Bowen, Sofia Vergara)
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy (Fred Willard)

The Big Bang Theory

This is what they do! It's awesome!!

Finally to the best show and, as far as I know, the mutual favorite amongst members of The Shpitz. I’m pretty sure everyone loves this show. I don’t think anyone needs an introduction, but!!!!! The personal favorite in the household is Howard. He’s awesome. Personally I get tired of Raj. Obviously we all love Sheldon. Leonard, eh…we’ll see. Penny is also loved, but she’s only funny ’cause she’s confused most of the time. If only she would show her humor a bit more.

Onto the fun stuff:
Outstanding Actor in a Comedy (Jim Parsons)
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy (Christine Baranski)

That’s all for today folk. Imma hit the showers ’cause I just got back from rugby and I’m smelly, hah. Fun stuff. I wish showers were instant. You could just say, “Go-go gadget shower!” You’d be clean. Speaking of Inspector Gadget…watch this:

Ciao.

The Dude Abideth

SF Indiefest and The Primitive Screwheads put together a stage adaptation of The Big Lebowski with a Shakespearean twist. There’s been a whole bunch of crazy movie adaptations on stage but this one sure takes the cake for me.

Marvel has announced that Tommy Lee Jones will be joining the ever increasingly awesome cast of their upcoming movie Captain America. Tommy will be playing Col. Phillips who, for those of you unfamiliar with the comics, is the guy who recruits Steve Rogers (Captain America) to be a test subject in project Rebirth, which eventually transforms him into the shield wielding hero.

While I’m still skeptical about how Chris Evans’ performance as the Cap will turn out, having Tommy Lee Jones join in, alongside Stanley Tucci and Hugo Weaving (as friggin Red Skull), will hopefully make this movie great. That is if those three have a lot of screen time. Since it is an origin story I’d think that Tommy and Stanley’s roles will be slightly larger than they actually are in the comics and if that’s the case, they can easily help carry any scenes for Chris Evans if he starts to bomb. Can’t wait to see how this one turns out.

It’s been a while since I’ve touched this segment. I’d like to blame it on the fact that my collection of plays is limited to crazy absurdist tragicomedies and Arthur Miller, but we all know the real reason is laziness. Thankfully I’m working now so my laziness takes a back seat to intense boredom and I come write about plays to keep myself entertained…if I had a lot of good plays to write about. Seeing as how I don’t, I’m going to talk about a movie today! Training Day directed by Antoine Fuqua to be more precise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s on film or on stage, what makes a great monologue is discovery, whether it be discovery for the character or discovery for the audience. What I mean by that is in a monologue a character can reveal something about themselves to the audience, for example Sterling Hayden’s monologue in Dr. Strangelove about the Russian’s plot to alter our “precious bodily fluids” clearly tells the audience that he’s off his rocker, or how Robert De Niro’s “Are you talking to me?” speech in Taxi Driver communicates the character’s isolation. Just as it can be revealing to an audience, a monologue can be revealing to a character as well. For example in Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare, Benedick discovers that he has feelings for Beatrice as he’s speaking or in Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman, Biff realizes what he wants to do with his life and that he is just a big a “fake” as his tragic father Willy as he’s confronting him.

The final monologue by Denzel Washington in Training Day is a combination of both; the monologue confirms the audience’s suspicion that Denzel’s character is crooked and it also acts as a medium of self discovery for him. Denzel delivers simple lines like “give me the money” with such a powerful craving that it becomes painfully obvious that his character is merely the broken frame of a stronger, cockier character that once stood tall. Yet even in his weakest moment when he realizes he is going to die, he knows he’s met his end, he still won’t admit it. He refuses to accept the inevitable defeat he’s found himself in and continues to keep his head held high, exclaiming at one point that “king kong ain’t got nothin on me!” as he crawls around on the asphalt, beaten and bleeding.

It’s this discovery and denial that make the monologue so captivating and Denzel’s demise (which at this point everyone knows is going to happen) all the more powerful. As you can tell, I love this movie and apparently so did a bunch of other people since Denzel won an Oscar for his performance in this bad boy. The monologue is just a tad bit too long for me to type out on here and since I’ve rambled on enough for one post, you can check out the video of it below.

I apologize for the lackluster Descent post yesterday; I was occupied with a magical creature called Hulu. I found out only this afternoon that I am capable of watching videos on Hulu while at work! I have no idea why this is. Hulu (among other sites) has a frustrating NO WATCHING OUR CRAP OUTSIDE OF THE STATES policy, and consequently I’m a little more stretched for entertainment than my US-based friends. Discovering this warehouse of digital media was a little overwhelming at first. There is so much stuff to watch! I watched an episode of Modern Family, Glee, and the first few minutes of Dr. Strangelove without a problem. I didn’t have to hunt down a DVD or download anything via torrents (not that I would ever do that ever). Unfortunately this well of delights is only available at work. My thinking is that the American embassy is considered to be on American soil, and hence isn’t technically outside of the United States. I’m not sure, and I don’t dare investigate further for fear of jinxing my discovery. What baffles me further is that my work computer has neither Flash nor Java activated on it, so I have no idea how Hulu functions.

I don’t mean to turn this post into a “starving children in Africa would love to have this” deal, but it’s going that way. You bored folks in the states (with a decent internet speed) are incredibly well off. Pandora, Hulu, Netflix, and other US-exclusive services are enough to entertain you for half of your lifetime. Going back to the internet speed thing, most people in the States have a significantly better connection than a surprising amount of the rest of the world (or at least the entirety of Poland). I miss playing World of Warcraft with a ping of <300 milliseconds.

I think I’m done grumbling for now- oh look, Star Trek: First Contact. See you in two hours!

So we decided to introduce a new segment to try to keep our spirits up, or at least our sanity intact. It’s called “The Descent” and documents our fall into madness through daily logs of our activities. We hope you enjoy reading through our suffering!

Kyle has been through a week and a half of work. I’ve been through a little over a month. It’s starting to have an effect on us. The Descents are getting stranger and stranger. Soon they will all just be naked pictures of Kyle. I’m tellin ya man. Naked. Pictures. Of Kyle.

So before things get that bad, get your read on with The Descent Part VI! Today is hump day (not nearly as exciting as it sounds) and the strain Kyle and Will feel is painfully obvious. In their least exciting, most disappointing Descent yet, they go through…well…really not a whole heck of a lot happens. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more exciting day.

Will & Kyle’s Work Log Part VI

8:13-YOU IN FO’ A BUMPY RIDE

8:13-Sebastian the Crab singing all up in my brainer

8:13-sha la la la la la

8:14-no wait it’s still 8:13 fml

8:14-we’re off to a great start

8:14-GEORGE

8:14-GEORGE

8:14-GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE

8:14-WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE

8:15-Will says something. KYLE OVERREACTS

8:26-The Merovingians (also Merovings) were a Salian Frankish dynasty that came to rule the Franks in a region (known as Francia in Latin) largely corresponding to ancient Gaul from the middle of the fifth century. Their politics involved frequent civil warfare among branches of the family. During the final century of the Merovingian rule, the dynasty was increasingly pushed into a ceremonial role. The Merovingian rule was ended March 752 when Pope Zachary formally deposed Childeric III.  Zachary’s successor, Pope Stephen II, re-confirmed and crowned Pepin the Short in Childeric’s place in 754 beginning the Carolingian monarchy and early introduction of the Holy Roman Empire.

8:27-ANOTHER LETTER FROM AN OCUPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT

8:27-guys remember when this was a work log

8:27-Will bites into an apple. The apple takes 30 points of damage. The apple died!

8:27-Will gained 100 experience points. Will leveled up! Will is now level 190.

8:27-Will is evolving!!

8:28-Will evolved into Brian!

8:28-Brian wants to learn Vegetable Consumption, but he already knows four moves (Respiration, Washing Hands, Fruit Consumption, Quick Attack). Forget a move?

8:28-Brian forgot Respiration. Brian learned Vegetable Consumption!

8:28-Brian fainted.

8:45-I’m all burned out on crazy.

9:09-Will is doing work, but Kyle can’t because of shenanigans on the part of his superiors. ALL I AM IS DUST IN THE WIIIIIIIIIIIND

9:11-Let’s see how many times I can listen to Mass Romantic by The New Pornographers all the way through before the day ends

9:22-w-what happened to the past 11 minutes

9:22-Both Kyle and Maleficent are experiencing something of a writer’s block.

9:41-Still haven’t really done anything.

9:51-it’s only been 10 minutes noooooooooooooooooo

10:21-watchin’ scary videos on the youtubes. They are scary!

10:46-terrified right now

11:30-spoiler alert: EVERYONE DIES

11:30-Will is going to lunch. Kyle is going to snack on Nutty Bars by himself! Emotion.

11:31-DRAMATIC CELLPHONE RING TONE

11:31-RING TONE REPEATS

11:31-CELLPHONE IS ANSWERED

11:31-DRAMATICALLY

11:31-WITH A FLOURISH

11:31-WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE

11:31-Will doesn’t know where his underwear is

11:32-oh it’s under there

11:32-under wher-ohhhhhh you

11:32-HOW YOU WANNA DIG MY STYLE I AM

SO SUPERIOR

SCREW TIMES WE DON’T NEED TIMES

TIMELESS

11:35-SNOTELEKS

11:35-kind of thirsty

11:35-please help me

12:55-Rearrange “Eskimos” to get “o kiss me.” My world has been flipped upside down

1:22-Will still isn’t back from lunch.

1:22-He went out to eat. Probably should have specified

1:23-THOUGH IT WASN’T HARD TO FIGURE OUT GAWD

1:23-WHAT AN EXCEPTIONALLY SLOW DAY YOU HAVE, GRANDMA

1:23-ALL THE BETTER TO CONSUME YOUR MEAGER SCRAPS OF OPTIMISM, DEAR

1:30-HOLY CRAP WATCHING HULU

1:35-While Kyle is entranced by Glee on Hulu, Will steals work log.

1:35-It’s good to be back.

1:54-Will ate one too many Nutty Bars. His left arm is all tingly and the lights are dimming. Weird.

2:15-Nicolas Cage in a bear suit came into the office and punched Kyle square in the face.

2:16-Nicolas Cage in a bear suit has now taken Kyle’s place at his desk. He shares food with Will. A friendship is born.

2:23- Will does some work on his computer. It’s pretty boring. Kyle wakes up, sees Nicolas Cage in a bear suit and leaves the office.

2:29-Kyle returns with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fights Nicolas Cage in a bear suit. The carnage is colossal.

2:44-Will is so bored and so not in the mood to write this stupid work log. Kyle is watching Hulu like a cheater. Freaking cheater. I should kill him. Nobody would know, I could just stab him in the throat with an icicle. The murder weapon will melt away, along with my finger tips. I’d have Nicolas Cage dump his body in a wood chipper, that guy owes me a favor. I’d claim I was at my office all day and Kyle went for a stroll but never came back. Bam, air tight alibi. Kyle’s gone, I’m free as a bird. It’s the perfect crime.

2:45-Turns out Kyle read all of that over my shoulder. I may have to act sooner than planned.

2:46-damn it he read that too.

2:59-Kyle stands up, screams, and then performs Hari kari. Everyone in the office keeps working like normal.

3:19-Kyle and Will go out into the hall and play hop scotch.

3:19-Kyle didn’t die btw, turns out he sold his soul to Mephisto for a magical hellfire motorcycle or something. I wasn’t really listening.

4:00-Will goes home. Nothing happened in the past hour so just forget about it ok?

4:15-Kyle catches tuberculosis.

5:00 he goes home or something I don’t really care adsoifhapsoeian;sletkjas;eltkmas

So we decided to introduce a new segment to try to keep our spirits up, or at least our sanity intact. It’s called “The Descent” and documents our fall into madness through daily logs of our activities. We hope you enjoy reading through our suffering!

Howdy and welcome to another addition of the web series that makes you feel so much better about your own lives, The Descent! I’m sorry to announce that today’s version is a little slow, Kyle was again in charge but he seriously dropped the ball. If you’re underwhelmed and disappointed in today’s entry please spam his email account repeatedly. Thank you and enjoy!

The Descent Part V

7:55-Will rolls into work. Literally, he tripped on his shoelace and did a tumble into the office.

8:00-email checked. Checked again. Checked a third time. Nobody loves me.

8:05-All Will’s internet sites have been checked and read, there really isn’t anything left for him to do. Kyle still hasn’t arrived.

8:10-Kyle still is nowhere to be seen, Will begins fearing the worst. What if he got terribly sick from all the Nutty Bars he ate yesterday? Was he kidnapped by an enraged Nicolas Cage on his way to work? Could he have been cornered by a bear and, after a long Hercules in New York-esque battle, been eaten alive? Whatever the reason that jerk isn’t here yet meaning I’m all alone. CRAP.

8:12-Ok, SCREW Kyle! Who needs him?! It’s not like I can’t manage without him or anything. I can do just FINE!

8:13-I miss Kyle so much. His hair. His musk. The high pitched squealing he makes everytime I punch him. Maybe I did something wrong…maybe he’s mad at me. I need to find him and apologize! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! KYYYYYYYYYYYYLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

8:14-Will ate Kyle’s snacks.

8:15-I’ll find you Kyle! You can count on me!

8:20-Kyle was not hiding in the printer, under the trashcan or inside the shredder.

8:21-Oh, Will no longer has a right hand.

8:26-After a good 6 minutes of searching, Will gives up looking for Kyle. He has no purpose. He stares at the sharp, rusty pair of scissors on his desk.

8:31-Like a bolt from the blue, Kyle appears, plastic guitar in hand. Re-enacting that one scene from Con Air, Kyle hands the guitar to the little girl Will.

8:32-Kyle takes over control of the Descent in a hostile takeover.

8:39-Purell.

8:40-yesssss it’s 8:40 we’ve already gotten through 40 minutes

8:40-Will was worried sick.

8:41-CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY

8:41-e-score more like gay-score

8:43-Amanda likes black men. Millions of black men around the world rejoice.

8:45-Kyle is tired and grumpy so there will be significantly less time travel today

8:46-THIS BOY’S LIFE AMONG THE ELECTRICAL LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS (repeat until fade)

8:47-we might do inventory-related activities

8:47-hahahaha who am I kidding

8:48-no one said the future was rated PG dogggggggggg

8:50-looks like the glove is on the other foot

8:50-Will begins to look constipated, then starts to float a few inches above the ground.

8:51-Will just exploded. I’m probably going to have to clean that up now. Thanks a lot, jerk

9:00-Kyle’s just kind of tired and doesn’t have much to say. Maybe when sleep deprivation kicks in the crazy things will start coming out of the woodworks

9:00-THERE ARE THINGS INSIDE THE WAAAAALLS

9:13-Will is so sleepy. We should just

9:13- crawl into bed

9:13-together

9:13-forever

9:17-Kyle posits that today is going to be an extraordinarily long day. Will snores in response.

10:26-What an exciting hour! We took more inventory, and Maleficent just told us that she now has a twitter. She’s kind of scary http://www.twitter.com/MaleficentDRAGO

11:01-hooray for paperwork mishaps

11:01-oh jeez 11:01, today really picked up speed

11:11-MAKE A WISH

11:12-my wish was that it would become 4:30PM magically

11:33-almost lunch, Will is actually working

11:34 http://www.cord.edu/faculty/andersod/escher_relativity.jpg fascinating

12:39-is lunch here yet

12:39-this is not a terribly interesting Descent so far, I apologize

12:40-WE’RE SO TIE-UHD

1:09-okay so something happened with the times

1:09- we got back from lunch 20 minutes ago, it was pretty tasty

1:09-Will was pretty delicious

1:09-bum tss bum tss bum tss bum tss bum tss bum tss bum tss bum tss

1:10-I have ingested a can of root beer, two packages of nutty bars, and a college freshman in the past 24 hours. FULL

1:10-Little Debbie is watching me

1:10-MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD MLIB

1:22-Will looks angry. And pregnant. And possibly an android

2:24-im a slakker

2:24-it’s Tuesday, I thought it was Monday! Yeeeey

2:24-Maleficent is yelling at random people en Le Twittre.

2:35-I just remembered that I had brought a whole thing of chicken to work with me, for lunch. I only now remembered.

4:00-BRIAN COOK?

4:00-Ladies and gentlemen, I present: the worst Descent yet!

4:00-Will goes home. Kyle contemplates Nutty Bars.

4:00-That is it. That is IT. I have had enough of this Root Beer’s crap. It will not stop TALKING. If it says anything else – word one – I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for the root beer this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.

4:00-When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming – as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.

4:00- I will open one of my six mouths and sing the song that ends the Earth.