Hello and welcome to another edition of Mallard Monday! Thats right boys and girls, its that wonderful time of the week again where we choose from a list contestants to decide who will be Duck of the week! Now I have got to tell you a little secret. The amount of Submissions we get here is just mind blowing, and not only that, competition is tough this week! It takes our newly hired worker (we do not work a sweat shop here as of yet, we can only be hopeful) 3 days straight to sift through all the mail we get. Lets take a moment to thank our new worker here at the Shpitz for doing all the dirty work for us, for staying up day in and day out to do the pointless tasks we don’t even need done. Lets take a few seconds, my friends, too appreciate *tear drop rolls down cheek* the middle man. He does what some say is impossible. He speaks to the people with such clarity and grace that someone who could speak well would be jealous! He leads men like the pied piper to victory, he strives for a perfect world that only he can understand. Lastly, my dear readers, he has balls. He knows how to use them.  Thank you Stefan Andrew Zalucky, for doing my bitch work. Now for the festivities! Behold! The Duck of the week!

Oh dear. We hear at the Shpitz would like to apologize to the families of Dix A. Nourmous. It seems that a horrible smelting incident has occurred. We have leads on the case, and we would like the audience to beware of a man who goes by the name of “Panda”. It would seem that this man is a part of a large criminal syndicate that is out to kill every last duck in the world! Stay focused people, only you can prevent the horrible duck genocide and forest fires. Thankfully we have a back up plan this week so don’t you go crying to your drunk mother just yet! Instead of giving the satisfaction of winning the most prestigious prize available to a duck to the next runner up, we decided to publish the initiation rites into the new criminal organization. Enjoy!

Death to the infidel!  if you want to join us, you must first take the life of a duck. we must show them who is superior! Here are the steps to the sacred ritual.

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 60 minutes


  • One 4 1/2 lb (2 kg) oven-ready duckling
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 4 tablespoons maltose or honey
  • 1 tablespoon rice vinegar
  • 1/2 teaspoon red food coloring (optional0
  • about 1/2 pint (280 ml) warm water
  • For the Stuffing:
  • 1 tablespoon oil
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped spring onion
  • 1 teaspoon finely chopped fresh ginger root
  • 1 tablespoon caster sugar
  • 2 tablespoons Chinese rice wine (or dry sherry)
  • 1 tablespoon yellow bean sauce
  • 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
  • 2 teaspoons five-spice powder


Clean the duck well. Remove the wing tips and the lumps of fat from inside the vent. Blanch in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes, remove and dry well, then rub the duck with salt and tie the neck tightly with string.

Make the stuffing by heating the oil in a saucepan, add all the ingredients, bring to the boil and blend well. Pour the mixture into the cavity of the duck and sew it up securely.

Dissolve the maltose or honey with vinegar and red food coloring (if using) in warm water, brush it all over the duck – give it several coatings, then hang the duck up (head down) with an S-shaped hook to dry in an airy and cool place for at least 4 – 5 hours.

To cook: preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. (200 degrees C./Gas 6). Hang the duck head down on the top rack, and place a tray of boiling water at the bottom of the oven. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees C., Gas 4) after 25 minutes or so, and cook for a further 30 minutes, basting with the remaining coating mixture once or twice.

To serve: let the duck cool down a little, then remove the string and pour out the liquid stuffing to be used as gravy. Chop the duck into bite-sized pieces, then serve hot or cold with the gravy poured over it.

Once this is complete, serve the immolated corpse of our enemies to the masses. Through this sacred ritual, the world will rise up as one and bring our dreaded enemies to their graves. We must join our French and chines brethren, we must defeat the Duck!

This has been another mallard Monday, tune in next week for our new edition!