Archive for May, 2010

Mallard Monday: A tragic turn of events

Forget the pictures. Forget the cheery welcome. Forget all of this crap. I’ve been through to much shit. I mean lets be frank here, I deactivated lasers with my dick. By god, i swear, i am going to blow this fucker down. (Tenacious D reference R tards). Welcome to Mallard Monday folks. Where we celebrate those great birds who love kidnapping innocent bystanders. You know, honest folk making a living for themselves, trying to show the world the beautiful side of ducks. Good ol’ wholesome people.

Lets take a step backwards first. You’ve got to forgive me, i haven’t really been myself lately since, well, since the kidnapping. If you haven’t kept up with the news here on the site, then here is the jist of things. I  was taken hostage by a group of very angry ducks. You heard me. My own people. My kin even!  They weren’t too fond of the contestants that I’ve been choosing for the duck of the week. seriously people, we need to speak eye to eye about this. How could you not love these ducks?


Supposedly the ducks i chose were disgraceful, horrid, backwater examples of the once proud race of ducks. Oh yes that’s right folks, supposedly ducks aren’t the same as they once where. They devolved. You heard it from me first people. Ah, but i digress. I was bound and gagged for weeks on end, being fed old loaves of musty, dusty and even moldy bread. This was them putting me at “their” level. They wanted to me to experience culinary horror. They wanted me to suffer. I did.

For days i was kept in an old chicken coop, two meters by two meters, locked in by chicken wire. At first i was a prisoner. Then i became a slave. Eventually, i became their source of humor. They dressed me up as a chicken, making me put on stand up routines for them. eventually they made me sing for them. Gradually, one of the whack pack eventually got the bright idea to make me dance for them. That was a dark, dark day in history. Once they got tired of my constant crying and smeared make up, they began the torture. Due to our policy here at the Shpitz, we will be leaving out the details of their methods. I how ever could care less and will thus give you said hint. Remember that scene from James bond? You know, the newer one. The one with the chair and the rope flail and the pain on the certain man areas? Yup…

After what seemed to have been an eternity of ankle biting and shrewd quacks of terror, the ducks gave in. I don’t know why but they did. They just stopped. They lined up, in front of me, staring me down with those damned black eyes. The room grew dark. silence surrounded me. One of them must have hit me on the back of my head, because the next thing i remember i was in the middle of school dressed up as a duck.

duck_costume There you have it folks. There is the story. No one believes me. No one will take my word for it. Police just think I’m crazy. Keep your eyes pealed my friends. We can get these bastards back. One day, i will take back my honor and show these ducks that they messed with the wrong blogger. Peace out mallard Monday. The dude is back in town.


The Best of Brooks

Mel Brooks certainly rode a blazing saddle. With a Grammy, Tony, Oscar and Emmy under his belt and the honor of having three of his films ranked in the top 20 on AFI’s 100 comedies of all-time, it’s safe to say this guy knows funny. After rewatching the musical mash-up of his work at the 2009 Kennedy Center Honors, I decided to put together a little list (in no particular order) of my favorite Mel Brooks comedies. LISTS!

Spaceballs (1987)

Brooks’ Star Wars spoof is packed full of ridiculous gags that’ll make you roll with laughter and slap your forehead sighing, “wow he actually went through with that one” (gotta love that jammed radar joke). With Rick Moranis, John Candy and Mel Brooks himself at the helm of this satirical ship, it’s a must see for any comedy fan. May the Schwartz be with you.

Blazing Saddles (1974)

The movie that gave us the famous campfire fart scene, Blazing Saddles tells the twisted tale of a corrupt political boss who convinces the dim-witted Governor (cross-eyed, paddle ball enthusiast Mel Brooks) to elect a black Sheriff in hopes that he will be lynched leaving it unprotected for bandits. With Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn and Cleavon Little, this movie satirizes the obscured racism of Cowboy movies…but more importantly it’s hilarious.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

As the tagline states, “the legend had it coming…”. Mel Brooks retells the Robin Hood mythos with his own comedic, satirical twist in his parody of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Robin Hood leads his men in tights (tight tights!) to steal from the rich, give to the poor and yadda yadda you know the story already. Cary Elwes, Dave Chappelle and Richard Lewis front this film and deliver a stream of gags that will most likely leave you more entertained than the recent Russell Crowe adaptation.

The Producers (1968)

Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel, need I say more? Brooks’ most ambitious project is about a pair of Producers who realize you can make more money with a flop than with a hit, and then go on to produce “Springtime for Hitler” (a supposed sure-fire flop) only to have audiences fall in love with it. While most critics at the time hated this film, it’s garnered a significant cult following due to the musical adaptation’s success (also written by Mel Brooks) and the fact that it’s amazing.

High Anxiety (1978)

Have you ever thought that Alfred Hitchcock was too dark and just needed to lighten up a little? Well apparently so did Mel Brooks and so he created High Anxiety an homage to the Master of Suspense, parodying “The Birds”, “Psycho” and “Vertigo” to name a few. The film stars Brooks staples Madeline Kahn and Harvey Korman and is a laugh a minute.

Young Frankenstein (1974)

Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle and Cloris Leachman lead this classic horror movie spoof about a young Dr. Frankenstein (that’s Frankensteen, thank you very much) who travels to his Grandfather’s castle for scientific research, ultimately ending in reanimating human life! Brooks is at his best with this movie and the scene where Dr. Frankenstein and Igor discuss a werewolf is so stupid that it’s amazing.

The Producers (2005)

Yeah, yeah I know, I already have “The Producers” on my list, but this one is the musical adaptation and is significantly different than the original. So there. With Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman and Will Ferrell, the musical version tells basically the same story as it’s predecessor but with enough changes for it to be a completely different experience. Mel Brooks further proves his comic genius (as if that needed proving) by writing all of the songs in this musical, and you’ll be singing “keep it gay” weeks after watching.

History of the World: Part I (1981)

What Mel Brooks movie list is complete without “History of the World: Part I”? This film gave us the famous Brooks line, “It’s good to be the king” as well as an assortment of jokes and gags that you’ll recognize even if you haven’t seen the film. It’s one heck of a movie and if you’re a Mel Brooks fan who hasn’t seen it (which is doubtful) change that now!

Heading In A Backwards Direction

Might Get Loud (2008)

Director: Davis Guggenheim

Starring: Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White

First off I’d like to apologize for the lack of quality posts on The Shpitz recently, most of us have either been too busy or too lazy to put stuff up more frequently and so consider this my promise to put up more stuff more often!

Well now that that’s out of the way, it’s MOVIE TIME!

It Might Get Loud is a documentary directed by Davis Guggenheim about guitar legends Jimmy Page, Jack White and The Edge. There is no significant connection between these three other than they are deeply passionate about their music and the electric guitar, and the documentary is simply a conversation with these three about their influences in artistic style and their experiences in making music. While listening to three guys ramble on for two hours may sound like a pretty boring documentary, I couldn’t have been any more entertained when watching this movie. Click more to find out why!

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Virtual Mind: Touching Base

no clue

Hey there everyone, Tyler here from virtual mind. So uh, as you might have noticed, its been a very long time since we’ve had an update to the segment. It seems that the excitement of posting my first recorded gaming videos on the web made me feel as if I could take a break. The satisfaction felt as if it would last a good week or so before another update. It seemed that once I finally stopped basking in the glory of my new-found abilities that I would soon dump hordes of new material onto the Blog. Well, sadly, that plan fell through. So what has been up? Where have I been? Where the hell is my assistant? Kyle! damn bastard. Anyhow, I have been playing video games. Too many actually. Along with the overdosing of PC gaming, I have been reading masses of reviews. Why? Well usually I would say that you got to run before you walk, but in this case I’m taking baby steps. I’ve been reading up on reviews from the pros, trying to hone in on the skills needed to properly right a fair and just video game review. A part of that process is actually playing through a whole game. So you can see where the trouble comes from. Now that is not to say that I’ve been playing games for reviews. Hell I’ve just been lazy as ever.

Along with my ever-increasing laziness, I’m having troubles with my software. Firstly I just downloaded windows 7, and since then have been trying to keep my downloading to a minimum. I’m trying to be legit. Keep my PC clean. With windows 7 comes some problems. The main problem is that a program I use to mount my PC games doesn’t work on seven (Daemon Tools). All it takes really is downloading a new program, but laziness always takes its course. Also. when installing 7, I wiped all my old memory from when i was using vista. Included in this large digital pile of junk was my recording software. So really I just need to spend a good 30 minutes to get everything up and running again. Don’t worry we will have something soon. The fact that I’m writing this is a good sign right? Stay tuned, because there will be something coming up in the near future.

Mallard Monday

Loyal Shpitz readers, I have a terrible announcement to make. Earlier this evening our contributor and duck enthusiast, Tyler, was reported as missing. Nobody was in contact with him for weeks and when the police went to his house to investigate they found this note:

If you ever wanna see your friend again, you’ll stop puttin up those wannabes, those poor excuse for a duck “winners” on your site and finally chose a real bird, somebody duck enough to deserve the title of Mallard Monday! Oh and give us 100 loaves of bread! Oh, oh and can you kind of tear them up into little bite size pieces and sort of toss em to us as well? That’d be great.

Meet these demands or suffer the consequences!

The Police have one main suspect, however no other significant leads in the investigation have been made.

WANTED - Have you seen this duck?

His name is Plucker, is about 10 cm tall and has been seen hanging around the local quarry with his gang of hooligans.


If you have seen any of these ducks, or know the whereabouts of Plucker please call 555-548-6977. Please keep Tyler in your thoughts and prayers, and let us hope they find him soon.

Random Post

Due to a lack of posts recently, here’s one!

I have no idea what this is

Merr, these are bizzare

Mallard Monday

There is no introduction for such a terrible event. There is no way to put this lightly. The horrors that occurred this day will never be forgotten. Its been many years since that day. That dark, horrid day. I can remember it like yesterday. Memory fades with age, its true, but this will never be forgotten. This Will never be forgiven. Time cannot erase this…thing. I may wash my hands, but the blood never washes away. ITS MALLARD MONDAY!!!!

Its that time of week my little hermaphrodites. No no, were not getting the sex change. Its something better! Its that time of week where we pick out the duck of the week! This Duck will be praised by all for years to come! After he is elected duck of the week, he will go on to enter the great hall of Ducks! Where only the mightiest of mighty ducks can enter! Lets make like horseshit and smell some gas! Its Mallard Monday OMG. This weeks winner is J. P. Bigdika D. a.k.a Jerseys own Playa: Bigdika Duck.


This old fashioned playa, from Victorian era is no hata. He is the B shizzle knee for all yall bitches out there. Ya need a hook up, then he will send his Indian servant to serve you. Ya want some fish and chips? Done. You want some fried chicken? Bitch please, don’t even go there. They may be the retard cousin, but they still family. Even if you get tingly feelings when you look at them at the beach and she’s look damn fine in a swim suit. That’s right, this duck don’t play around. No crook can steal this fashionably feathered fellows style. He waddles with a purpose. Keep that chain low, and let it wobble to the flo hizzy, you da duck!

There you go mom. I told you I have friends! Come back next week for the next issue of Mallard Monday!

There’s more than noise out there

Music happens to be something I’m entirely passionate about. I figured that since I haven’t posted in a while, I would post about something completely different than done previously.

So let’s go back a while. During this post I will also add why certain types of music are in any way important to my childhood or whatever. Not exactly entertaining, but who the hell cares? It’s a blog.

Shuffling through my iTunes to find the first subject:

They're from Texas...

Eisley. This band is made up of a bunch of family members and girls with annoying attitudes. The great thing about them is their arrangements on their music. Two voices which give a flavor to the different melodies. Their lyrics are relate-able, their music is moving and their entirety is awesome. Genre is hard to stick, but it’s kinda folksy with twists of psychedelic rock.
Best track: Ambulance from their Fire Kite EP.

Working Class Heroes. Assuming their name comes from the John Lennon song you wouldn’t ever guess their genre. They’re pop-meets angst ridden rock. Female fronted, but definitely defy the “lyrics have to be about chick things” when you hear them. They’re from Wales…Cardiff. I happen to enjoy bands from said place, such as Kids in Glass Houses, they rock. So to sum that up.
Get these songs: Do You Know by Working Class Heroes from their album Shout Small Talk.
Matters At All   or   Lilli Rose by Kids in Glass Houses from their album DIRT.

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