Will and I (that’s right, Kyle’s doing the writing now) are working in a summer hire program for most of vacation. The thing about being a summer hire is there really isn’t much for you to do. There aren’t a lot of jobs that summer hires are allowed, so most of the day is spent sitting at our computers waiting to be assigned a task. While it may at first not sound so bad, I mean getting paid to sit at a computer and do nothing sounds pretty easy right? Well, after eight hours of it a day you start to go a little….crazy.

So we decided to introduce a new segment to try to keep our spirits up, or at least our sanity intact. It’s called “The Descent” and documents our fall into madness through daily logs of our activities. We hope you enjoy reading through our suffering!

Heya everybody and welcome to the fourth installment of The Descent! With Kyle behind the wheel of what is easily our longest and craziest work log yet, we go through a day full of desk upgrades, manticore fighting, christopher walken quoting, Will slaying action! Read up and enjoy, our pain is your pleasure!

7:15- Kyle arrives at the Embassy. He goes to the CLO and kills time. No witnesses.

7:35- Will arrives MUCH LATER. He goes directly to the office.

8:00- After hiding the body, Kyle heads over to the office.

8:05 – Hypnotic, dancing gerbils are seen on Will’s new desk. It’s a nice desk. Kyle is jealous.

8:12-THE EXCHANGE RATE IS 3.30. EVERYONE GO BUY STUFF.

8:12- Also it should be noted that Kyle is now writing the work log, though Will is still here. THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.

8:12- Expect a lot more words in capital letters.

8:13- Considering starting an after-work log. Would consist of ‘I’M REALLY HUNGRY. SHOULD I EAT YES/NO (circle one)”

8:15- Lollipop, lollipop, ooh la la lollipop.

8:15- Will types so loud, omg. The keyboard is his drum kit.

8:17- Will is cursing his mouse. I am concerned for his wellbeing.

8:18- The mouse, not Will.

8:18- Will left to go do…something. Kyle fears the worst.

8:18- oh never mind he still has two arms.

8:18- Kyle remembers all the fun times he had with Root Beer Can. Kyle begins to cry openly. Will takes his lunch money.

8:20- Kyle checks his email.

8:20- Kyle checks his email.

8:20- Kyle checks his email.

8:20- ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T CHECK MY EMAIL?

8:21- We learn that Brian sabotaged his desk right before Will inherited it. MISS YOU BRIAN ❤ ❤ ❤

8:22- I’m only now noticing that we switch between third and first person pretty freely. I’ll have to investigate how this changes as the day goes on.

8:23- Tempted to start singing songs. On here, not out loud. That would be ridiculous.

8:24- WAAAAAAAR, CHILDREN, IT’S JUST A SHOT AWAY, IT’S JUST A SHOT AWAY

8:27- http://farm1.static.flickr.com/2/1362599_02bcdea730.jpg

8:34- OH GOD THE BEES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

8:39- Arnold killed another stuntman. Were it not for his rippling pectorals he would be SO fired.

8:40- It’s 8:40.

8:40- Will is leaking. Fluids.

8:41- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

8:41- We just heard that outside of our office. Concern.

8:42- Turns out some guy was just on fire. Nothing to worry about!

8:42- holy crap it’s only 8:42 this is going to be the longest day ever

8:43- Kyle has a desk now it is so sweet. Literally! The desk is made out of Starbursts and Twizzlers.

8:47- Michael Keaton casts a loose-cannon Barbie doll, set in the 1940s. It’ll be called Citizen Ken.

8:48- Directed by Michael Bay.

8:49- This is going to be our longest Descent yet! Whether or not that’s a good thing, I’m unsure. I guess if you like crazy people.

8:50- men men men men menly men men men OOOOOOOOOO

8:52- Will is writing notes about how I am writing notes about how he is writing notes.

8:53- REMINDER: DON’T SWALLOW TONGUE

8:55- Do you think I can bulk order friendship from the commissary?

8:55- =(

8:56- Will is whispering sweet nothings into his iPod’s microphone.

8:56- Dear diary, Will emitted a high-pitched screech that I can only describe as ‘SKREEEEEEEE’. Please call an ambulance. Thanks, diary.

9:00- According to Wired magazine, all wands available at Hogsmeade are actually made out of recycled materials, as per Rowling’s request.

9:06- HOGSMEADE LOOKS LIKE SO MUCH FUN I CANNOT WAIT TO GO THERE IN ONE YEAR.

9:10- Time to shred Will’s papers. That isn’t a euphemism.

9:26- PAPERS SHREDDED.

9:28- Kyle leveled up! Kyle is now level 23. HP increased by 20! Dexterity increased by 3! Charisma decreased by 40! Kyle has learned the spell Offend.

9:28- Kyle casted Offend! Will is now offended!

9:29- Will casted Ameliorate! Kyle did something because I don’t remember what that word means!

9:30- Kyle fainted.

9:36- We are living in a van down by the Riviera.

9:36- This is going to degrade into a dozen pages of non-sequitur pop culture references.

9:37- I LIKE IT.

9:50- We have more papers to shred! Enthusiasm!!!

10:33- Finished papers, currently experiencing significantly less enthusiasm. Elbow itches.

10:35- Hate generators…initialized

10:36- Hate levels at maximum

10:39- Jegus Christ

10:39- Are you ready for the ultimate non-sequitur? I don’t think you’re ready. Get ready. Ready.

10:40- I hear it’s amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm, in flap-jaw space, with the tuning fork, does a raw blink on Hiri-Kiri rock! I need scissors! 61!

11:00- ur a slakker

11:01- We’re considering doing work.

11:01- We’re done considering doing work.

11:10- Told to do more inventory-related fun stuff things activities whee.

11:40- Quit in a fit of tears, time for lunch!!

12:30- Back from lunch! Kyle has Nutty Bars, Will has Fudge Brownies. Our arteries are clogged content.

12:35- SELF-DEFENSE

12:37- THE HEAT IS TREMENDOUS. I BELIEVE IT IS FIRE RELATED

12:38- Turns out someone put my desk in front of the gates to Hell. Come on guys.

12:46- Star Wars: The Old Republic is more ballin’ than a giant ball of Force. That, inside it, has a bunch of balls. You know, like soccer balls.

12:47- Contemplating suicide. That’s when you kill Will, right?

12:47- 12:47-12:47-12:47-12:47

12:49- ARE YOU MAD? DO YOU FEEL BLAME? DO YOU FEEL LIKE WOLF KABOB ROTH RAMMAGE GIJIGAGIJAIGJA GOOGLE. FRIMMIGAMMIRAFFALOOGAKGOOGLE.

12:49- For Will, it’s bathroom time. For Kyle, it’s pondering the mortality of mankind time.

12:56- Will’s mind is broken. He walked down the hallway, arms outstretched, straight up Jazz-Handsing it up.

1:10- Turns out Kyle is great at drums, and Will is MAHVELOUS at guitar.

1:10- Clarification: we can’t actually play the real instruments, just their plastic counterparts.

1:10- ladies

1:11- Will attempts to sever own testicles.

1:11- Kyle uploads experience to Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8-Y9pz14aU

1:25- Will begins shooting the wall with his hands. That are also guns. Gun hands. Edward Scissorhands. Will…Gun…Hands.

1:26- Discovered black hole in my desk. Going to investigate.

9:30- Black hole sent the desk and I back in time. I had to kill the Kyle in the past so he wouldn’t tell Past Will, who is currently in the bathroom.

9:35- Had to shove the body in the paper shredder. Took a while.

9:40- I don’t think Past Will is on to me.

11:40- Going to lunch for a second time. Thankfully I have Nutty Bars.

12:30- The black hole caused the Bars to become highly irradiated. I may or may not have grown three more legs.

1:00- Past Will commented that I smell of old eggs and whiskey. I tell him my father is going through troubled times.

1:29- Finally caught up again! Past Will is now…present Will? But now I have to go back in time to keep the loop going, otherwise there won’t be a Kyle to go into the past to get rid of the now dead Past Kyle and I will cease to exist.

1:30- Also, if I killed Past Kyle, how do I exist? Perhaps, through time travel, I have become an entity separate of the past Kyle. In essence, there are now two Kyles in the universe, as of 9AM, June 21, 2010.

1:31- On an unrelated note Will bludgeoned himself to death with one of my five legs.

1:34- THIS PART OF “THE DESCENT: PART 4-EVER” IS DEDICATED TO ____________, LIGHT OF MY LIFE. (Print out this copy of The Descent and write in your name and you, too, can pretend that Kyle loves you!)

1:36- Heavens to Betsy, come on let’s see

1:40- Once more we venture unto the inventorying breach.

1:55- We return, having vanquished a room full of workstations. I found this +2 broadsword, but I’m a bard class so it’s pretty much useless.

2:58- We killed a whole hour without updating! First we shredded more papers for a good 20 minutes. Afterwards I filled out a form so I can go to Germany and figure out why I’m so ugly. Then we attempted to liberate the underground beaver people from their vicious manticore overlords. We are now pretty popular with the beaver ladies.

3:06- discovered new form of venereal disease, apparently carried by all beavers

3:40- Maleficent (of Sleeping Beauty fame) typed up a Mallard Monday for us, go check it out! Also I think she wants to kill us

3:44- yeah she just cut Will down with her blade of shadows, I think she is kind of irate at the moment

3:44- SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMEY WILL, WHO WAS RECENTLY SHED OF HIS MORTAL COIL. ENJOY THE AFTERLIFE DOGG

3:46- Will wants wanted a cool mouse. If you’re watching from on high buddy, here’s one for you http://www.clipartguide.com/_named_clipart_images/0060-0808-0615-5962_Mouse_Rocking_Out_with_Headphones_On_clipart_image.jpg

3:47- I have the worst mosquito bite ever on my elbow. I CAN’T SCRATCH IT. THIS IS WORSE THAN LEGALLY BLONDE 2.

3:52- Will leaves in 8 minutes. If I were to experience emotions, I am sure the one I would be experiencing right now is apathy

3:52- wait

3:52- which is the one where you want to cry

3:52- SAD, I would be sad.

4:07- Will is leaving, taking any remnants of happiness in my twisted, bitter soul with him.

4:07- As soon as Will walked out, he stormed right back into the office. Kyle’s eyes lit up and he stood up to greet Will, but Will ignored him. Something was off with Will; there was a peculiar vacancy in his eyes, as though he were sleepwalking. Kyle tried repeatedly to get his attention, deciding finally to stab him in the lungs with a pair of scissors. Still Will did not respond! Kyle decided to get creative. Using a complex system of ropes and rudimentary lathes, Kyle dropped a 16-ton anvil on Will’s head. Finally Will awoke from his stupor and groggily muttered “Oy!” before passing out. He died of internal bleeding 47 seconds later.

4:13- You can expect most future Descent installments to turn into surreal narratives like this one. After Will leaves, it’s going to get strange.

4:14- This is going to be the Gravity’s Rainbow of blogs.

4:15- I just noticed that this thing is longer than my World Literature essays. What have I done with my life

4:17- I’m considering starting a music-related series on the Shpitz, if only to abate my incessant desire to discuss music with people. There’s just so much of it dogg

4:18- On second thought, the articles would turn into a place for me to express my love for Spencer Krug, so that may not be ideal (he is so amazing)

4:19- I’m totally straight by the way

4:19- Yeah, I like girls

4:19- They’re pretty neat

4:22- oh screw it I’m going home. I GOT HERE AN HOUR EARLIER THAN I USUALLY DO, LEAVING 8 MINUTES EARLY AIN’T A SIN

4:23- now that I think about it, Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins

4:23- I can’t think of a clever way to close this

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