Category: Mallard Monday


MALEFICENT MONDAY

HELLLLLLL YES

BALLIN'

Maleficent Monday:

ALRIGHT YOU VERMINOUS SWINE. THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY VERMIN-LIKE AND SWINE-LIKE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU PULL IT OFF. DON’T ASK ME, I’M NOT THE VERMINOUS SWINE.

WHAT WAS I SAYING

OKAY SO TYLER IS BUSY BEING A SUCCESSFUL BITCH IN LIFE, GRADUATING AND CRAP

GOD ONLY KNOWS

SO HE’S OUT OF COMMISSION FOR A WHILE. SO THE OTHER EDITORS WERE LIKE CRAP WE NEED TO THINK OF ANOTHER WORD THAT STARTS WITH ‘M’

AND THERE’S ONLY ABOUT A THOUSAND YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS

BUT THEY PICKED ME, BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE I AM TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, NO WAY. I GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO THIS

SO I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN MY YOUTH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I WAS FLUENT IN JUST ABOUT EVERY LANGUAGE, SINCE I WAS IMMORTAL AND HAD A WHOLE GODDAMN PILE OF TIME ON MY HANDS

WHICH LEAVES ME TO WONDER HOW I WAS EVER YOUTHFUL

ANYWAY

SO YEAH YOU’VE GOT THE TERM ‘MALLARD’ AND IN IT, ‘MAL’

THIS MEANS ‘BAD’ IN A LOT OF THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES (FRENCH, SPANISH, ITALIAN, ETC.)

SO, LOGICALLY, THIS MEANS THAT DUCKS ARE EVIL

WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE SERIOUSLY DUCKS ARE KICKASS, IT’S AWESOME THAT THEY’RE ON MY SIDE. I BET THEY’RE CHILL AS HELL AND ARE TOTALLY DOWN WITH SOME WORLD DOMINATION

KIND OF OXYMORONIC, SINCE THE HELL AS DESCRIBED BY CHRISTIANS IS A VERY HOT PLACE

OKAY LET’S ASSUME I’M REFERRING TO THE NORSE HEL, WHICH IS ACTUALLY FRIGID AS SHIT

I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS. I’M A FICTION WRITER, NOT A JOURNALIST, JEGUS CHRIST

OKAY SO IN CONCLUSION

DUCKS: SWEET

EVERYTHING ELSE: DIE IN A FIRE PLEASE AND THANK YOU

ALRIGHT

MALEFICENT OUT

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Mallard Monday: A tragic turn of events

Forget the pictures. Forget the cheery welcome. Forget all of this crap. I’ve been through to much shit. I mean lets be frank here, I deactivated lasers with my dick. By god, i swear, i am going to blow this fucker down. (Tenacious D reference R tards). Welcome to Mallard Monday folks. Where we celebrate those great birds who love kidnapping innocent bystanders. You know, honest folk making a living for themselves, trying to show the world the beautiful side of ducks. Good ol’ wholesome people.

Lets take a step backwards first. You’ve got to forgive me, i haven’t really been myself lately since, well, since the kidnapping. If you haven’t kept up with the news here on the site, then here is the jist of things. I  was taken hostage by a group of very angry ducks. You heard me. My own people. My kin even!  They weren’t too fond of the contestants that I’ve been choosing for the duck of the week. seriously people, we need to speak eye to eye about this. How could you not love these ducks?

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Supposedly the ducks i chose were disgraceful, horrid, backwater examples of the once proud race of ducks. Oh yes that’s right folks, supposedly ducks aren’t the same as they once where. They devolved. You heard it from me first people. Ah, but i digress. I was bound and gagged for weeks on end, being fed old loaves of musty, dusty and even moldy bread. This was them putting me at “their” level. They wanted to me to experience culinary horror. They wanted me to suffer. I did.

For days i was kept in an old chicken coop, two meters by two meters, locked in by chicken wire. At first i was a prisoner. Then i became a slave. Eventually, i became their source of humor. They dressed me up as a chicken, making me put on stand up routines for them. eventually they made me sing for them. Gradually, one of the whack pack eventually got the bright idea to make me dance for them. That was a dark, dark day in history. Once they got tired of my constant crying and smeared make up, they began the torture. Due to our policy here at the Shpitz, we will be leaving out the details of their methods. I how ever could care less and will thus give you said hint. Remember that scene from James bond? You know, the newer one. The one with the chair and the rope flail and the pain on the certain man areas? Yup…

After what seemed to have been an eternity of ankle biting and shrewd quacks of terror, the ducks gave in. I don’t know why but they did. They just stopped. They lined up, in front of me, staring me down with those damned black eyes. The room grew dark. silence surrounded me. One of them must have hit me on the back of my head, because the next thing i remember i was in the middle of school dressed up as a duck.

duck_costume There you have it folks. There is the story. No one believes me. No one will take my word for it. Police just think I’m crazy. Keep your eyes pealed my friends. We can get these bastards back. One day, i will take back my honor and show these ducks that they messed with the wrong blogger. Peace out mallard Monday. The dude is back in town.

Mallard Monday

Loyal Shpitz readers, I have a terrible announcement to make. Earlier this evening our contributor and duck enthusiast, Tyler, was reported as missing. Nobody was in contact with him for weeks and when the police went to his house to investigate they found this note:

If you ever wanna see your friend again, you’ll stop puttin up those wannabes, those poor excuse for a duck “winners” on your site and finally chose a real bird, somebody duck enough to deserve the title of Mallard Monday! Oh and give us 100 loaves of bread! Oh, oh and can you kind of tear them up into little bite size pieces and sort of toss em to us as well? That’d be great.

Meet these demands or suffer the consequences!

The Police have one main suspect, however no other significant leads in the investigation have been made.

WANTED - Have you seen this duck?

His name is Plucker, is about 10 cm tall and has been seen hanging around the local quarry with his gang of hooligans.

Hooligans!!

If you have seen any of these ducks, or know the whereabouts of Plucker please call 555-548-6977. Please keep Tyler in your thoughts and prayers, and let us hope they find him soon.

Mallard Monday

There is no introduction for such a terrible event. There is no way to put this lightly. The horrors that occurred this day will never be forgotten. Its been many years since that day. That dark, horrid day. I can remember it like yesterday. Memory fades with age, its true, but this will never be forgotten. This Will never be forgiven. Time cannot erase this…thing. I may wash my hands, but the blood never washes away. ITS MALLARD MONDAY!!!!

Its that time of week my little hermaphrodites. No no, were not getting the sex change. Its something better! Its that time of week where we pick out the duck of the week! This Duck will be praised by all for years to come! After he is elected duck of the week, he will go on to enter the great hall of Ducks! Where only the mightiest of mighty ducks can enter! Lets make like horseshit and smell some gas! Its Mallard Monday OMG. This weeks winner is J. P. Bigdika D. a.k.a Jerseys own Playa: Bigdika Duck.

D1B55814B224D9129758BE0C08DC5F08_Ducks

This old fashioned playa, from Victorian era is no hata. He is the B shizzle knee for all yall bitches out there. Ya need a hook up, then he will send his Indian servant to serve you. Ya want some fish and chips? Done. You want some fried chicken? Bitch please, don’t even go there. They may be the retard cousin, but they still family. Even if you get tingly feelings when you look at them at the beach and she’s look damn fine in a swim suit. That’s right, this duck don’t play around. No crook can steal this fashionably feathered fellows style. He waddles with a purpose. Keep that chain low, and let it wobble to the flo hizzy, you da duck!

There you go mom. I told you I have friends! Come back next week for the next issue of Mallard Monday!

Mallard Monday

Hey there boys and Girls! Yup thats right. I am constipated and Bob is indeed your uncle. Its that time again where we here at The Shpitz give praise to the Duck of the week! Now if you dont follow my tweets, then you missed out on why Mallard Monday was canceled last week. Thankfully were back in full swing and ready to choose our lucky winner! Put on your leiderhosen , strap on your eye patches and get ready to make shit dig! ITS MALLARD MONDAY!

I cant tell how hard it is to pick just one of these Ducks. You would think that after this much time choosing a winner would be easy. Hell no. Son there is a time where every woman has to buckle up, grab their oatmeal rations and scream at the top of their lung “AWAY WITH YOU DEMONS!”. Now Grand-pappy Bo may have been drunk when he gave me this advice, but i stand by it. Its time that I do just that and pick this here winner. Now lets see. Aha , perfection. Since were on topic of me ol’ Grand Pa Bo, it seems fitting that i find someone who caries simmilar qualities to my dear forefather. Without further ado, I give you, the one, the only, Mr. Bo-jangles!

Oh Mr. Jangles,
how your bo brings the boat a rockin’
when the men are drunk
(stop)

There is no fire
that can quench your thirst oh mighty
star lit dragon
(stop)

I may be afraid of mama,
but dont make me kiss them socks
of yours
(Stop)

Rebel, Rebel are you
a boy? or one of them David Bowie things
(stop)

HEY. YOU. yeah you. over there, im quacking at you baby, nice beak if ya know what I am sayin yo.
I learned that off the street. call me Dr. Big Dicka D mary mc queen. Its my aunts name.
Im lovin it.

Along with the picture came this wonderful, eye opening experience that is a poem. It brings tears of joy to my eye. That right. One. You may be asking how someone of this stature can win such a prestigious award. I don’t know. You think i actually Work here? Mr. Bo, please, continue your hard work as a civil rights activist. with your witty brain maybe you can free the chickens your family long ago enslaved. Maybe then you can erase the generations of blood shed on your hands. Who knows, only Stefan can see into the future. There you have it ladies, some good ol’ home fried country chicken. Its finger licking good. Stay tuned next week for our next edition of mallard monday!

Mallard Monday

Hey there children! Welcome to yet another addition of Mallard Monday! That’s right Susie Q, it’s that time of the week where we here at the Shpitz look through our hundreds of contestants to find out who will be the Mallard of The week! I’ll be honest with you readers. When deciding on the winner, we usually choose the duck who pays us the most money, were suckers for cold hard cash. Unfortunately ducks don’t use money, so we’re stuck sitting and waiting for the impossible. When that plan fails, we always choose the most obscure duck we can, I mean come on, who doesn’t like seeing someone who is so messed up that it makes us feel better about ourselves. This week is different. I have made sure to sift through all the wacko’s that we see around here. Instead we have spent quite a bit of time trying to find someone who is trully worthy of being the Mallard of the week. Without Further ado, I give you, the one, the only, Jeff Leduckski, a.k.a  The Duck.

I know, I know, hes not a duck in the slightest, I had photo shopped a duck bill on him but it just wasn’t good enough. The reason The Dude gets the reward is because, well, frankly hes just The Dude. The Dude abides. He is my ultimate hero, hes the man for his day and age. Its hard to do him justice. It would take a long time. A lot of words even. Sounds like a review is brewing! I apologize for the deviation from the usual Mallard Monday, but I have been thinking about The Dude a lot recently. Need to watch my weekly dose of The Big Lebowski. Farewell fellow viewers!

Mallard Monday

HEY GUYS! Jeff here. I have hi-jacked this week’s Mallard Monday! MUAHAHA! I tell ya, sneaking into the building and overriding the alarm was totally worth it. I may have gotten poisoned by a trap to get here, but I have no regrets. MAYHEM! So screw this week’s winner! I’m putting in my own!

Psyduck

Psyduck

Psyduck

A Winning Smile

Yeah what now?! HA! Man…Tyler sure protects this place with a lot of…

oh my gosh…

LEECHES ON MOTORCYCLES!!!

BYE ALL

Mallard Monday

Hello and welcome to another edition of Mallard Monday! Thats right boys and girls, its that wonderful time of the week again where we choose from a list contestants to decide who will be Duck of the week! Now I have got to tell you a little secret. The amount of Submissions we get here is just mind blowing, and not only that, competition is tough this week! It takes our newly hired worker (we do not work a sweat shop here as of yet, we can only be hopeful) 3 days straight to sift through all the mail we get. Lets take a moment to thank our new worker here at the Shpitz for doing all the dirty work for us, for staying up day in and day out to do the pointless tasks we don’t even need done. Lets take a few seconds, my friends, too appreciate *tear drop rolls down cheek* the middle man. He does what some say is impossible. He speaks to the people with such clarity and grace that someone who could speak well would be jealous! He leads men like the pied piper to victory, he strives for a perfect world that only he can understand. Lastly, my dear readers, he has balls. He knows how to use them.  Thank you Stefan Andrew Zalucky, for doing my bitch work. Now for the festivities! Behold! The Duck of the week!

Oh dear. We hear at the Shpitz would like to apologize to the families of Dix A. Nourmous. It seems that a horrible smelting incident has occurred. We have leads on the case, and we would like the audience to beware of a man who goes by the name of “Panda”. It would seem that this man is a part of a large criminal syndicate that is out to kill every last duck in the world! Stay focused people, only you can prevent the horrible duck genocide and forest fires. Thankfully we have a back up plan this week so don’t you go crying to your drunk mother just yet! Instead of giving the satisfaction of winning the most prestigious prize available to a duck to the next runner up, we decided to publish the initiation rites into the new criminal organization. Enjoy!

Death to the infidel!  if you want to join us, you must first take the life of a duck. we must show them who is superior! Here are the steps to the sacred ritual.

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 60 minutes

Ingredients:

  • One 4 1/2 lb (2 kg) oven-ready duckling
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 4 tablespoons maltose or honey
  • 1 tablespoon rice vinegar
  • 1/2 teaspoon red food coloring (optional0
  • about 1/2 pint (280 ml) warm water
  • For the Stuffing:
  • 1 tablespoon oil
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped spring onion
  • 1 teaspoon finely chopped fresh ginger root
  • 1 tablespoon caster sugar
  • 2 tablespoons Chinese rice wine (or dry sherry)
  • 1 tablespoon yellow bean sauce
  • 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
  • 2 teaspoons five-spice powder

Preparation:

Clean the duck well. Remove the wing tips and the lumps of fat from inside the vent. Blanch in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes, remove and dry well, then rub the duck with salt and tie the neck tightly with string.

Make the stuffing by heating the oil in a saucepan, add all the ingredients, bring to the boil and blend well. Pour the mixture into the cavity of the duck and sew it up securely.

Dissolve the maltose or honey with vinegar and red food coloring (if using) in warm water, brush it all over the duck – give it several coatings, then hang the duck up (head down) with an S-shaped hook to dry in an airy and cool place for at least 4 – 5 hours.

To cook: preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. (200 degrees C./Gas 6). Hang the duck head down on the top rack, and place a tray of boiling water at the bottom of the oven. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees C., Gas 4) after 25 minutes or so, and cook for a further 30 minutes, basting with the remaining coating mixture once or twice.

To serve: let the duck cool down a little, then remove the string and pour out the liquid stuffing to be used as gravy. Chop the duck into bite-sized pieces, then serve hot or cold with the gravy poured over it.

Once this is complete, serve the immolated corpse of our enemies to the masses. Through this sacred ritual, the world will rise up as one and bring our dreaded enemies to their graves. We must join our French and chines brethren, we must defeat the Duck!

This has been another mallard Monday, tune in next week for our new edition!

Mallard Monday

Welcome my friends! Oh how it has been so long! Don’t be afraid come in, come in. I made some tea; I do hope you will join me. Oh that old thing? Yes hubby does make a great mantle piece if I do say so myself. I hope you don’t mind the ants, they tell me stories. MALLARD MONDAY! DUDE! I know tell me about it isn’t it awesome? It’s been forever hasn’t it? Ages and ages, I feel our love has grown cold throughout the many years apart. A week you say? Bastard child, you always win. I think I can win next time. It has been a week and like any other Monday, we here at The Shpitz bring you mallard Monday, where a lucky duck gets chosen to rep his home boyz. We apologize for last week’s mishap; it would seem the board finally realized a goose is not a fucking duck. No matter how hard they squint their god forsaken inbred eyes. I’m sorry papa. Anyway, we give you this week’s luck duck, and winner of our weekly mallard Monday website! Mac Quack!

Today we salute you Mac Quack!
Life may be bringing you down but at least you have fun crying alone
you may not know how to keep the 80’s alive, but you sure know how to direct traffic flow.
That’s right, you use your little webbed feet to be a maniac, and you’re dancing like you’ve never danced before.
Sure mom may be a whore, but at least your uncle Bo has gotten a little softer with his touching.
Life may be hard but when life gives you lemons Mac Quack, you piss on everyone’s sense of dignity, golden showers for everyone is your Monday motto.
Here’s to you Mac Quack, you make sure those business men get happy endings.

Mallard Monday

Warning!

Hello my dear friends, it would seem that we come together today under very unfortunate circumstances. Today is Monday. This day should be a happy day, for it is this day that the ducks of the world rejoice, knowing that there is someone, one lone person, who cares about them. Yes, i know, i know. God i have to take a shit. It would seem that we here at The Shpitz will have to cancel  this weeks segement of Mallard Monday. Why you ask? I cant reveal all the details. So fuck off. Instead i bring to you our replacement candidate. It would seem that other birds of the world don’t like being segregated from ducks. They dont like ducks being better. personally i tell them to go burn in an oven. The board of directors disagrees with me and believes we should bring some diversity into the segment. If your confused about me telling you all this information after i clearly said i couldn’t, then you shouldn’t be here. The door is right over there. At the end of the hallway.

First door on the right you ass

Now that Jeff is gone i can reveal to you our winner! So since the board wanted diversity we bring you Jimmy!

Yes. Jimmy is special