Tag Archive: ducks


MALEFICENT MONDAY

HELLLLLLL YES

BALLIN'

Maleficent Monday:

ALRIGHT YOU VERMINOUS SWINE. THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY VERMIN-LIKE AND SWINE-LIKE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU PULL IT OFF. DON’T ASK ME, I’M NOT THE VERMINOUS SWINE.

WHAT WAS I SAYING

OKAY SO TYLER IS BUSY BEING A SUCCESSFUL BITCH IN LIFE, GRADUATING AND CRAP

GOD ONLY KNOWS

SO HE’S OUT OF COMMISSION FOR A WHILE. SO THE OTHER EDITORS WERE LIKE CRAP WE NEED TO THINK OF ANOTHER WORD THAT STARTS WITH ‘M’

AND THERE’S ONLY ABOUT A THOUSAND YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS

BUT THEY PICKED ME, BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE I AM TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, NO WAY. I GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO THIS

SO I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN MY YOUTH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I WAS FLUENT IN JUST ABOUT EVERY LANGUAGE, SINCE I WAS IMMORTAL AND HAD A WHOLE GODDAMN PILE OF TIME ON MY HANDS

WHICH LEAVES ME TO WONDER HOW I WAS EVER YOUTHFUL

ANYWAY

SO YEAH YOU’VE GOT THE TERM ‘MALLARD’ AND IN IT, ‘MAL’

THIS MEANS ‘BAD’ IN A LOT OF THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES (FRENCH, SPANISH, ITALIAN, ETC.)

SO, LOGICALLY, THIS MEANS THAT DUCKS ARE EVIL

WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE SERIOUSLY DUCKS ARE KICKASS, IT’S AWESOME THAT THEY’RE ON MY SIDE. I BET THEY’RE CHILL AS HELL AND ARE TOTALLY DOWN WITH SOME WORLD DOMINATION

KIND OF OXYMORONIC, SINCE THE HELL AS DESCRIBED BY CHRISTIANS IS A VERY HOT PLACE

OKAY LET’S ASSUME I’M REFERRING TO THE NORSE HEL, WHICH IS ACTUALLY FRIGID AS SHIT

I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS. I’M A FICTION WRITER, NOT A JOURNALIST, JEGUS CHRIST

OKAY SO IN CONCLUSION

DUCKS: SWEET

EVERYTHING ELSE: DIE IN A FIRE PLEASE AND THANK YOU

ALRIGHT

MALEFICENT OUT

Mallard Monday: A tragic turn of events

Forget the pictures. Forget the cheery welcome. Forget all of this crap. I’ve been through to much shit. I mean lets be frank here, I deactivated lasers with my dick. By god, i swear, i am going to blow this fucker down. (Tenacious D reference R tards). Welcome to Mallard Monday folks. Where we celebrate those great birds who love kidnapping innocent bystanders. You know, honest folk making a living for themselves, trying to show the world the beautiful side of ducks. Good ol’ wholesome people.

Lets take a step backwards first. You’ve got to forgive me, i haven’t really been myself lately since, well, since the kidnapping. If you haven’t kept up with the news here on the site, then here is the jist of things. I  was taken hostage by a group of very angry ducks. You heard me. My own people. My kin even!  They weren’t too fond of the contestants that I’ve been choosing for the duck of the week. seriously people, we need to speak eye to eye about this. How could you not love these ducks?

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Supposedly the ducks i chose were disgraceful, horrid, backwater examples of the once proud race of ducks. Oh yes that’s right folks, supposedly ducks aren’t the same as they once where. They devolved. You heard it from me first people. Ah, but i digress. I was bound and gagged for weeks on end, being fed old loaves of musty, dusty and even moldy bread. This was them putting me at “their” level. They wanted to me to experience culinary horror. They wanted me to suffer. I did.

For days i was kept in an old chicken coop, two meters by two meters, locked in by chicken wire. At first i was a prisoner. Then i became a slave. Eventually, i became their source of humor. They dressed me up as a chicken, making me put on stand up routines for them. eventually they made me sing for them. Gradually, one of the whack pack eventually got the bright idea to make me dance for them. That was a dark, dark day in history. Once they got tired of my constant crying and smeared make up, they began the torture. Due to our policy here at the Shpitz, we will be leaving out the details of their methods. I how ever could care less and will thus give you said hint. Remember that scene from James bond? You know, the newer one. The one with the chair and the rope flail and the pain on the certain man areas? Yup…

After what seemed to have been an eternity of ankle biting and shrewd quacks of terror, the ducks gave in. I don’t know why but they did. They just stopped. They lined up, in front of me, staring me down with those damned black eyes. The room grew dark. silence surrounded me. One of them must have hit me on the back of my head, because the next thing i remember i was in the middle of school dressed up as a duck.

duck_costume There you have it folks. There is the story. No one believes me. No one will take my word for it. Police just think I’m crazy. Keep your eyes pealed my friends. We can get these bastards back. One day, i will take back my honor and show these ducks that they messed with the wrong blogger. Peace out mallard Monday. The dude is back in town.

Mallard Monday

There is no introduction for such a terrible event. There is no way to put this lightly. The horrors that occurred this day will never be forgotten. Its been many years since that day. That dark, horrid day. I can remember it like yesterday. Memory fades with age, its true, but this will never be forgotten. This Will never be forgiven. Time cannot erase this…thing. I may wash my hands, but the blood never washes away. ITS MALLARD MONDAY!!!!

Its that time of week my little hermaphrodites. No no, were not getting the sex change. Its something better! Its that time of week where we pick out the duck of the week! This Duck will be praised by all for years to come! After he is elected duck of the week, he will go on to enter the great hall of Ducks! Where only the mightiest of mighty ducks can enter! Lets make like horseshit and smell some gas! Its Mallard Monday OMG. This weeks winner is J. P. Bigdika D. a.k.a Jerseys own Playa: Bigdika Duck.

D1B55814B224D9129758BE0C08DC5F08_Ducks

This old fashioned playa, from Victorian era is no hata. He is the B shizzle knee for all yall bitches out there. Ya need a hook up, then he will send his Indian servant to serve you. Ya want some fish and chips? Done. You want some fried chicken? Bitch please, don’t even go there. They may be the retard cousin, but they still family. Even if you get tingly feelings when you look at them at the beach and she’s look damn fine in a swim suit. That’s right, this duck don’t play around. No crook can steal this fashionably feathered fellows style. He waddles with a purpose. Keep that chain low, and let it wobble to the flo hizzy, you da duck!

There you go mom. I told you I have friends! Come back next week for the next issue of Mallard Monday!

Mallard Monday!

Hey there kids!

Its our favorite time of the week! Yup thats right, damn straight you heard me right you little shit, its Mallard Monday! Wait? do you hear that in the wind? Anyway, this is the first of The Shpitz’s brand new series, Mallard Monday, where our board of very professional judges, who shall not be named, vote on the most prestigious duck of the week! Now you may be asking yourselves why exactly were doing this here at The Shpitz, so uncle Tyler will tell you. We feel that ducks are under appreciated, and that these magical drug dealing birds deserve our respect. Also we are being paid stupidly large amounts of money by the league of Anas platyrhynchos.  Thats Latin you ignorant little…fine, you win this time. Here we go, for now we give you our first DUCK OF THE WEEK. 

The Shpitz Presents

  

Bad Ass 4 life

Introducing our duck of the week,  B.J Schmegma, from the lower east side of the Bronx. After a long and arduous debate, our panel of judges decided to honor you B.J.

Today we salute you! you crazy child molesting duck,
You’ve given us the real American dream, the ability to breed cat and dogs, oh, we wont forget little jimmy there,
You push science to its limits with your eugenics movement, we wont see anymore of the ugly ducklings will we?
You’ve offered us freedom through mass slavery, and we wont forget your good ol’ home fried cooking, mmm, its finger licking good,
If there are chickens, you fight them, pigs, your bitches,cows, we wont go there,
Its time for you to honor yourself, Bad Ass 4 life, you’re the true american hero. 

There you have it world, tune in next week for our next Mallard Monday.