Tag Archive: Maleficent


CONCERNING DISNEY MOVIES

LISTEN UP YOU PERPETUALLY INCOMPETENT ASSHATS, TODAY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT FILMS MADE BY DISNEY

FOR OVER 70 YEARS DISNEY HAS BEEN CRANKING OUT THESE FLAWLESS HALLMARKS OF CINEMA. SERIOUSLY THEY HAVE AN ALMOST PERFECT TRACK RECORD (EXCLUDING THE PAST DECADE OR SO, THEY’VE HAD SOME LESS-THAN-STELLAR RELEASES).

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MALEFICENT MONDAY

HELLLLLLL YES

BALLIN'

Maleficent Monday:

ALRIGHT YOU VERMINOUS SWINE. THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY VERMIN-LIKE AND SWINE-LIKE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU PULL IT OFF. DON’T ASK ME, I’M NOT THE VERMINOUS SWINE.

WHAT WAS I SAYING

OKAY SO TYLER IS BUSY BEING A SUCCESSFUL BITCH IN LIFE, GRADUATING AND CRAP

GOD ONLY KNOWS

SO HE’S OUT OF COMMISSION FOR A WHILE. SO THE OTHER EDITORS WERE LIKE CRAP WE NEED TO THINK OF ANOTHER WORD THAT STARTS WITH ‘M’

AND THERE’S ONLY ABOUT A THOUSAND YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS

BUT THEY PICKED ME, BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE I AM TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, NO WAY. I GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO THIS

SO I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN MY YOUTH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT

I WAS FLUENT IN JUST ABOUT EVERY LANGUAGE, SINCE I WAS IMMORTAL AND HAD A WHOLE GODDAMN PILE OF TIME ON MY HANDS

WHICH LEAVES ME TO WONDER HOW I WAS EVER YOUTHFUL

ANYWAY

SO YEAH YOU’VE GOT THE TERM ‘MALLARD’ AND IN IT, ‘MAL’

THIS MEANS ‘BAD’ IN A LOT OF THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES (FRENCH, SPANISH, ITALIAN, ETC.)

SO, LOGICALLY, THIS MEANS THAT DUCKS ARE EVIL

WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE SERIOUSLY DUCKS ARE KICKASS, IT’S AWESOME THAT THEY’RE ON MY SIDE. I BET THEY’RE CHILL AS HELL AND ARE TOTALLY DOWN WITH SOME WORLD DOMINATION

KIND OF OXYMORONIC, SINCE THE HELL AS DESCRIBED BY CHRISTIANS IS A VERY HOT PLACE

OKAY LET’S ASSUME I’M REFERRING TO THE NORSE HEL, WHICH IS ACTUALLY FRIGID AS SHIT

I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS. I’M A FICTION WRITER, NOT A JOURNALIST, JEGUS CHRIST

OKAY SO IN CONCLUSION

DUCKS: SWEET

EVERYTHING ELSE: DIE IN A FIRE PLEASE AND THANK YOU

ALRIGHT

MALEFICENT OUT