Tag Archive: mallard

Mallard Monday

Hello and welcome to another edition of Mallard Monday! Thats right boys and girls, its that wonderful time of the week again where we choose from a list contestants to decide who will be Duck of the week! Now I have got to tell you a little secret. The amount of Submissions we get here is just mind blowing, and not only that, competition is tough this week! It takes our newly hired worker (we do not work a sweat shop here as of yet, we can only be hopeful) 3 days straight to sift through all the mail we get. Lets take a moment to thank our new worker here at the Shpitz for doing all the dirty work for us, for staying up day in and day out to do the pointless tasks we don’t even need done. Lets take a few seconds, my friends, too appreciate *tear drop rolls down cheek* the middle man. He does what some say is impossible. He speaks to the people with such clarity and grace that someone who could speak well would be jealous! He leads men like the pied piper to victory, he strives for a perfect world that only he can understand. Lastly, my dear readers, he has balls. He knows how to use them.  Thank you Stefan Andrew Zalucky, for doing my bitch work. Now for the festivities! Behold! The Duck of the week!

Oh dear. We hear at the Shpitz would like to apologize to the families of Dix A. Nourmous. It seems that a horrible smelting incident has occurred. We have leads on the case, and we would like the audience to beware of a man who goes by the name of “Panda”. It would seem that this man is a part of a large criminal syndicate that is out to kill every last duck in the world! Stay focused people, only you can prevent the horrible duck genocide and forest fires. Thankfully we have a back up plan this week so don’t you go crying to your drunk mother just yet! Instead of giving the satisfaction of winning the most prestigious prize available to a duck to the next runner up, we decided to publish the initiation rites into the new criminal organization. Enjoy!

Death to the infidel!  if you want to join us, you must first take the life of a duck. we must show them who is superior! Here are the steps to the sacred ritual.

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 60 minutes


  • One 4 1/2 lb (2 kg) oven-ready duckling
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 4 tablespoons maltose or honey
  • 1 tablespoon rice vinegar
  • 1/2 teaspoon red food coloring (optional0
  • about 1/2 pint (280 ml) warm water
  • For the Stuffing:
  • 1 tablespoon oil
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped spring onion
  • 1 teaspoon finely chopped fresh ginger root
  • 1 tablespoon caster sugar
  • 2 tablespoons Chinese rice wine (or dry sherry)
  • 1 tablespoon yellow bean sauce
  • 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
  • 2 teaspoons five-spice powder


Clean the duck well. Remove the wing tips and the lumps of fat from inside the vent. Blanch in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes, remove and dry well, then rub the duck with salt and tie the neck tightly with string.

Make the stuffing by heating the oil in a saucepan, add all the ingredients, bring to the boil and blend well. Pour the mixture into the cavity of the duck and sew it up securely.

Dissolve the maltose or honey with vinegar and red food coloring (if using) in warm water, brush it all over the duck – give it several coatings, then hang the duck up (head down) with an S-shaped hook to dry in an airy and cool place for at least 4 – 5 hours.

To cook: preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. (200 degrees C./Gas 6). Hang the duck head down on the top rack, and place a tray of boiling water at the bottom of the oven. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees C., Gas 4) after 25 minutes or so, and cook for a further 30 minutes, basting with the remaining coating mixture once or twice.

To serve: let the duck cool down a little, then remove the string and pour out the liquid stuffing to be used as gravy. Chop the duck into bite-sized pieces, then serve hot or cold with the gravy poured over it.

Once this is complete, serve the immolated corpse of our enemies to the masses. Through this sacred ritual, the world will rise up as one and bring our dreaded enemies to their graves. We must join our French and chines brethren, we must defeat the Duck!

This has been another mallard Monday, tune in next week for our new edition!


Mallard Monday

Welcome my friends! Oh how it has been so long! Don’t be afraid come in, come in. I made some tea; I do hope you will join me. Oh that old thing? Yes hubby does make a great mantle piece if I do say so myself. I hope you don’t mind the ants, they tell me stories. MALLARD MONDAY! DUDE! I know tell me about it isn’t it awesome? It’s been forever hasn’t it? Ages and ages, I feel our love has grown cold throughout the many years apart. A week you say? Bastard child, you always win. I think I can win next time. It has been a week and like any other Monday, we here at The Shpitz bring you mallard Monday, where a lucky duck gets chosen to rep his home boyz. We apologize for last week’s mishap; it would seem the board finally realized a goose is not a fucking duck. No matter how hard they squint their god forsaken inbred eyes. I’m sorry papa. Anyway, we give you this week’s luck duck, and winner of our weekly mallard Monday website! Mac Quack!

Today we salute you Mac Quack!
Life may be bringing you down but at least you have fun crying alone
you may not know how to keep the 80’s alive, but you sure know how to direct traffic flow.
That’s right, you use your little webbed feet to be a maniac, and you’re dancing like you’ve never danced before.
Sure mom may be a whore, but at least your uncle Bo has gotten a little softer with his touching.
Life may be hard but when life gives you lemons Mac Quack, you piss on everyone’s sense of dignity, golden showers for everyone is your Monday motto.
Here’s to you Mac Quack, you make sure those business men get happy endings.

Mallard Monday


Hello my dear friends, it would seem that we come together today under very unfortunate circumstances. Today is Monday. This day should be a happy day, for it is this day that the ducks of the world rejoice, knowing that there is someone, one lone person, who cares about them. Yes, i know, i know. God i have to take a shit. It would seem that we here at The Shpitz will have to cancel  this weeks segement of Mallard Monday. Why you ask? I cant reveal all the details. So fuck off. Instead i bring to you our replacement candidate. It would seem that other birds of the world don’t like being segregated from ducks. They dont like ducks being better. personally i tell them to go burn in an oven. The board of directors disagrees with me and believes we should bring some diversity into the segment. If your confused about me telling you all this information after i clearly said i couldn’t, then you shouldn’t be here. The door is right over there. At the end of the hallway.

First door on the right you ass

Now that Jeff is gone i can reveal to you our winner! So since the board wanted diversity we bring you Jimmy!

Yes. Jimmy is special