Tag Archive: tyler


Mallard Monday: A tragic turn of events

Forget the pictures. Forget the cheery welcome. Forget all of this crap. I’ve been through to much shit. I mean lets be frank here, I deactivated lasers with my dick. By god, i swear, i am going to blow this fucker down. (Tenacious D reference R tards). Welcome to Mallard Monday folks. Where we celebrate those great birds who love kidnapping innocent bystanders. You know, honest folk making a living for themselves, trying to show the world the beautiful side of ducks. Good ol’ wholesome people.

Lets take a step backwards first. You’ve got to forgive me, i haven’t really been myself lately since, well, since the kidnapping. If you haven’t kept up with the news here on the site, then here is the jist of things. I  was taken hostage by a group of very angry ducks. You heard me. My own people. My kin even!  They weren’t too fond of the contestants that I’ve been choosing for the duck of the week. seriously people, we need to speak eye to eye about this. How could you not love these ducks?

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Supposedly the ducks i chose were disgraceful, horrid, backwater examples of the once proud race of ducks. Oh yes that’s right folks, supposedly ducks aren’t the same as they once where. They devolved. You heard it from me first people. Ah, but i digress. I was bound and gagged for weeks on end, being fed old loaves of musty, dusty and even moldy bread. This was them putting me at “their” level. They wanted to me to experience culinary horror. They wanted me to suffer. I did.

For days i was kept in an old chicken coop, two meters by two meters, locked in by chicken wire. At first i was a prisoner. Then i became a slave. Eventually, i became their source of humor. They dressed me up as a chicken, making me put on stand up routines for them. eventually they made me sing for them. Gradually, one of the whack pack eventually got the bright idea to make me dance for them. That was a dark, dark day in history. Once they got tired of my constant crying and smeared make up, they began the torture. Due to our policy here at the Shpitz, we will be leaving out the details of their methods. I how ever could care less and will thus give you said hint. Remember that scene from James bond? You know, the newer one. The one with the chair and the rope flail and the pain on the certain man areas? Yup…

After what seemed to have been an eternity of ankle biting and shrewd quacks of terror, the ducks gave in. I don’t know why but they did. They just stopped. They lined up, in front of me, staring me down with those damned black eyes. The room grew dark. silence surrounded me. One of them must have hit me on the back of my head, because the next thing i remember i was in the middle of school dressed up as a duck.

duck_costume There you have it folks. There is the story. No one believes me. No one will take my word for it. Police just think I’m crazy. Keep your eyes pealed my friends. We can get these bastards back. One day, i will take back my honor and show these ducks that they messed with the wrong blogger. Peace out mallard Monday. The dude is back in town.

Virtual Mind: Touching Base

no clue

Hey there everyone, Tyler here from virtual mind. So uh, as you might have noticed, its been a very long time since we’ve had an update to the segment. It seems that the excitement of posting my first recorded gaming videos on the web made me feel as if I could take a break. The satisfaction felt as if it would last a good week or so before another update. It seemed that once I finally stopped basking in the glory of my new-found abilities that I would soon dump hordes of new material onto the Blog. Well, sadly, that plan fell through. So what has been up? Where have I been? Where the hell is my assistant? Kyle! damn bastard. Anyhow, I have been playing video games. Too many actually. Along with the overdosing of PC gaming, I have been reading masses of reviews. Why? Well usually I would say that you got to run before you walk, but in this case I’m taking baby steps. I’ve been reading up on reviews from the pros, trying to hone in on the skills needed to properly right a fair and just video game review. A part of that process is actually playing through a whole game. So you can see where the trouble comes from. Now that is not to say that I’ve been playing games for reviews. Hell I’ve just been lazy as ever.

Along with my ever-increasing laziness, I’m having troubles with my software. Firstly I just downloaded windows 7, and since then have been trying to keep my downloading to a minimum. I’m trying to be legit. Keep my PC clean. With windows 7 comes some problems. The main problem is that a program I use to mount my PC games doesn’t work on seven (Daemon Tools). All it takes really is downloading a new program, but laziness always takes its course. Also. when installing 7, I wiped all my old memory from when i was using vista. Included in this large digital pile of junk was my recording software. So really I just need to spend a good 30 minutes to get everything up and running again. Don’t worry we will have something soon. The fact that I’m writing this is a good sign right? Stay tuned, because there will be something coming up in the near future.

Mallard Monday

Loyal Shpitz readers, I have a terrible announcement to make. Earlier this evening our contributor and duck enthusiast, Tyler, was reported as missing. Nobody was in contact with him for weeks and when the police went to his house to investigate they found this note:

If you ever wanna see your friend again, you’ll stop puttin up those wannabes, those poor excuse for a duck “winners” on your site and finally chose a real bird, somebody duck enough to deserve the title of Mallard Monday! Oh and give us 100 loaves of bread! Oh, oh and can you kind of tear them up into little bite size pieces and sort of toss em to us as well? That’d be great.

Meet these demands or suffer the consequences!

The Police have one main suspect, however no other significant leads in the investigation have been made.

WANTED - Have you seen this duck?

His name is Plucker, is about 10 cm tall and has been seen hanging around the local quarry with his gang of hooligans.

Hooligans!!

If you have seen any of these ducks, or know the whereabouts of Plucker please call 555-548-6977. Please keep Tyler in your thoughts and prayers, and let us hope they find him soon.

Mallard Monday

There is no introduction for such a terrible event. There is no way to put this lightly. The horrors that occurred this day will never be forgotten. Its been many years since that day. That dark, horrid day. I can remember it like yesterday. Memory fades with age, its true, but this will never be forgotten. This Will never be forgiven. Time cannot erase this…thing. I may wash my hands, but the blood never washes away. ITS MALLARD MONDAY!!!!

Its that time of week my little hermaphrodites. No no, were not getting the sex change. Its something better! Its that time of week where we pick out the duck of the week! This Duck will be praised by all for years to come! After he is elected duck of the week, he will go on to enter the great hall of Ducks! Where only the mightiest of mighty ducks can enter! Lets make like horseshit and smell some gas! Its Mallard Monday OMG. This weeks winner is J. P. Bigdika D. a.k.a Jerseys own Playa: Bigdika Duck.

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This old fashioned playa, from Victorian era is no hata. He is the B shizzle knee for all yall bitches out there. Ya need a hook up, then he will send his Indian servant to serve you. Ya want some fish and chips? Done. You want some fried chicken? Bitch please, don’t even go there. They may be the retard cousin, but they still family. Even if you get tingly feelings when you look at them at the beach and she’s look damn fine in a swim suit. That’s right, this duck don’t play around. No crook can steal this fashionably feathered fellows style. He waddles with a purpose. Keep that chain low, and let it wobble to the flo hizzy, you da duck!

There you go mom. I told you I have friends! Come back next week for the next issue of Mallard Monday!

Virtual Mind: The value of the game

The end?

Welcome everyone to virtual mind, where we take a look at anything with video games. Its been a long time coming but Ive finally gotten the time to sit down and type my thoughts out. Will, I don’t know how you are able to consistently put out quality reviews because just getting this started was hard enough for me.  As I grow up, and old habits and hobbies fall behind me, I cant help but question what I do. I can spend hours a day sitting contently in front of a computer monitor, or a TV screen, playing my favorite video games. Usually doing this doesn’t bother me at all, but as of late there seems to have been some sort of change. Now, thats not to say I’m no longer enjoying video games, no not at all. What happens lately is that I find myself questioning the time I spend on a game.  A sad fact of life is that everything that has a beginning has an end. This rule applies just as much to the virtual words, as it does to the real world. For example, lets take a look at world of Warcraft. As some of you may know, Wow is an online MMORPG that has no set end. The game has been going on for five years now and the average wow player plays approximately 2-3 hours a day. You can do the math. Thats a lot of time on a game. It may seem like there is no end with all the new content that is regularly released, but unfortunately there is. There will be a time where the developers have to close the game down and It may be due to lack of money, the age of the game, or low subscription levels, but the fact is it will one day end. All that time spent grinding mobs for loot, all the dungeons, all the people you met, all the villains you helped bring to justice, all the time invested. Gone. Reading this, you may be asking yourselves, “Why would anyone spend so much time on something like that, its a waste of time that could be spent doing something productive, something with more value.” There are a lot of people out there that believe video games are a waste of time. That there is no value to them. That the pixels that you spend so much time in front of have no value and should not be played. I must say that recently, I have been asking if there is value to what I do. Firstly how does one define value? How can anyone say that one thing as more worth than the other? What I want to do is to explore the value of games. I don’t want to make this a puff piece, and as difficult as it may be with such a biased background, I want to explore what value video games do have. I mean, there has to be something to them if I’ve been playing them for so long, right?

Continue reading

Mallard Monday

Hey there children! Welcome to yet another addition of Mallard Monday! That’s right Susie Q, it’s that time of the week where we here at the Shpitz look through our hundreds of contestants to find out who will be the Mallard of The week! I’ll be honest with you readers. When deciding on the winner, we usually choose the duck who pays us the most money, were suckers for cold hard cash. Unfortunately ducks don’t use money, so we’re stuck sitting and waiting for the impossible. When that plan fails, we always choose the most obscure duck we can, I mean come on, who doesn’t like seeing someone who is so messed up that it makes us feel better about ourselves. This week is different. I have made sure to sift through all the wacko’s that we see around here. Instead we have spent quite a bit of time trying to find someone who is trully worthy of being the Mallard of the week. Without Further ado, I give you, the one, the only, Jeff Leduckski, a.k.a  The Duck.

I know, I know, hes not a duck in the slightest, I had photo shopped a duck bill on him but it just wasn’t good enough. The reason The Dude gets the reward is because, well, frankly hes just The Dude. The Dude abides. He is my ultimate hero, hes the man for his day and age. Its hard to do him justice. It would take a long time. A lot of words even. Sounds like a review is brewing! I apologize for the deviation from the usual Mallard Monday, but I have been thinking about The Dude a lot recently. Need to watch my weekly dose of The Big Lebowski. Farewell fellow viewers!

Virtual Mind: Shpitzcraft a.k.a the first raid

Luckily enough whilst playing WoW, I was able to get into a very simple PuG (pick up group) for The Obsidian Sanctum. For you noobs out there, this was one of the first raids for the Wrath of the Lich King, the second expansion for WoW. What I am doing here is a weekly raid quest where in I have to go kill a raid boss. This seemed a perfect opportunity for me to record a raid boss encounter for the website, I do hope you enjoy it. Be warned that firstly the technology I use (FRAPS) is new to me and I’m still working out some kinks, and my video editing is non existant and rushed. Expect better quality further down the line when i figure this whole thing out. Also I would like to mention that i did have the whole raid encounter recorded but decided to just show you the last boss battle.

Hello and welcome to Virtual Mind, where in I (and my soon to be partner in crime Kyle) take a look at video games. Thats right, anything video game related will be seen here, so remember to check in regularly for anything new. Firstly I would like to apologize for taking so long to finally get something up. My essay I’m working on is going to take sometime because when I want something done well I become very uptight about it. Whenever I finally get the time to edit it thoroughly or deem it worthy of publication, you will be seeing it. Until then we would like to introduce to you our first project at Virtual mind, The World Of Warcraft. The video sums it up, but pretty much what we are planning  is to create video blogs/quick-looks on the world of Warcraft, varying from game mechanics, to raids, and even game lore.  What ever you want to see, we will try and do. So without further ado we give you Chapter 1: first contact. Enjoy!

The ShpitzCast

Sup? How’s everybody doing? Good to hear.

WE GOTS A NEW SHPITZCAST FOR YA!!

This is ShpitzCast number three and is an interview with our High School Councilor Mr. Kemp. We talk about nerds, his college life, Britney Spears and what its like to be a Councilor.

Enjoy!

Coming Soon…

I’m currently working on a Dr. Strangelove review for all you loyal readers out there, so I have here the trailer for the film in case you are unfamiliar with it. Educate yourselves:

Oh and another thing! Be sure to check back here soon for Tyler’s Virtual Mind segment, where he talks about the value of video games and what it means to be a gamer, as well as our third ShpitzCast interview with our High School Councilor Mr. Kemp!